FADE IN:
A BLURRED KITCHEN BACKGROUND
OPENING TITLE: “THE BISCUIT BALLAD”
Monty is heard CHOMPING and CHEWING, as a bite is taken out of one of the ellipsis points in one ‘I’ in the word ‘Biscuit’, which turns into a chocolate biscuit.
TITLE FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BBC KIDS HEADQUARTERS - KITCHEN. DAY.
A beautiful red, yellow and blue kitchen. On the counter is a large biscuit tin with the BBC Kids logo on it. We hear: a door creaking as it slowly opens.
MONTY THE DOG
Opens the door slowly a crack and sees the biscuit tin. He tiptoes towards the kitchen counter and looks up at what’s above. He sees
ANGLE - THE BISCUIT TIN
Shining in the sunlight.
CLOSE - MONTY’S EYES
His pupils slowly turn into love hearts.
MONTY
Gets out a violin and begins playing, leading us to:
SONG: “THE BISCUIT BALLAD”
MATCH DISSOLVE:
A PINK BACKGROUND WITH RED LOVE HEARTS
As Monty plays his violin, he begins singing:
MONTY
OH BISCUITS, I LOVE YOU
YOUR SWEET CHOCOLATE TASTE
Monty throws his violin out of frame and floats towards a large heart shaped chocolate biscuit, floating around it like a lovestruck moon in orbit until taking a huge bite out of it.
MONTY
YOUR CHEWY CRUNCHY HEART
WON’T GO TO WASTE
FLASHBACK:
INT. SPROTT FAMILY KITCHEN - YEARS AGO. DAY.
The whole flashback is monochrome coloured. A cute, adorable puppy version of Monty sits at the table banging his cutlery, excitedly waiting for his meal - until the hand of Mrs Sprott enters frame with a bowl of nutritiously meaty dog food. Dog food? Yeurch! Monty is disgusted and pushes it away.
MONTY
SOME PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS MEAT
BUT I DON’T LIKE THAT STUFF
POP! The flashback bursts into a puff of smoke, revealing again:
THE PINK BACKGROUND PATTERNED WITH RED LOVE HEARTS
Monty leaps across a stepping stone trail of chocolate biscuits, followed by Tango the dog (from Binka), Mole (from The Animals Of Farthing Wood), Boo the hedgehog (from Bill & Ben) and Flamingo (from Yoho Ahoy).
MONTY
I JUST LOVE YOU, CHOCOLATE BISCUITS,
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS ENOUGH
The biscuits suddenly fall out of frame, and Tango, Mole, Boo and Flamingo fall out of frame.
CLOSE - MONTY’S EYES
Opening wide. He moves back to reveal himself against the background mentioned earlier, and he floats against the background trying to catch chocolate biscuits in a red beach bucket as they fall past frame, like a rainstorm. Monty catches some biscuits in his mouth, and the biscuits pile up inside his neck, cartoon-like, followed by Monty swallowing them down.
The rest of the instrumental is Mole, Tango, Boo and Flamingo dancing to the romantic tune, until, near to the end of it, pink cake cream floods the screen, leading us to the second verse:
MONTY
I ALSO LOVE CAKE, ITS CREAMY LAYER
Monty pops up in the creamy mess and licks all the cream off. He then licks some bits of cream off the screen, leading us to:
A LIVE ACTION CHOCOLATE CAKE BACKGROUND.
Monty glides past frame, chomping each and every cake slice, ala Pac-Man.
MONTY
AND ITS CHEWY, CHOCOLATEY YUM
Once the background is chewed up, it’s revealed to be a
FUTURISTIC NEON BLUE BACKGROUND
Six optional buttons appear on screen: one featuring a strawberry, one featuring a chocolate bar, one featuring a lemon, one featuring an orange, one featuring a slice of birthday cake and one featuring some cherries. Monty’s paw pops into frame and presses the birthday cake one, which takes up the entire screen.
MATCH DISSOLVE:
A YELLOW BACKGROUND
Confetti falls all around Monty as he wears a party hat and holds an entire vanilla flavoured birthday cake with white icing in his paws. He licks his lips and bites into the cake, causing vanilla icing to fly all over the screen.
MONTY
SOME CAKES COME IN ALL FLAVOURS
AND THEY’RE BETTER THAN CHEWING GUM
Monty licks the cream off the screen.
FLASHBACK:
INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
Puppy Monty waits eagerly for his dinner, until Mrs Sprott’s hand comes into frame with a bowl full of raw steak. He takes a bite out of it, and spits it out - YUCK!
MONTY
SOME PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS MEAT
BUT I DON’T LIKE THAT STUFF
POP! The background explodes, and we see Monty playing his violin against the pink love heart background again, spinning slowly round and round, ala an anime boyfriend playing an instrument.
MONTY
I JUST LOVE YOU, CHOCOLATE BISCUITS,
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS ENOUGH.
Monty throws the violin out of frame.
MATCH DISSOLVE:
INT. BBC KIDS HEADQUARTERS - KITCHEN. DAY.
Monty jumps up and grabs the biscuit tin. He opens the lid and sees a whole variety of cakes and biscuits inside, causing his mouth to water with delight.
MONTY
OH BBC KIDS BISCUIT TIN,
YOU’RE VERY SO HOT AND SWEET
AND RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO GRAB YOU
AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!
Monty takes a chocolate biscuit from the jar, and is just about to eat it when…
THE FOURTH DOCTOR
(O.S.)
Ahe-ahem!
Monty spins around to see
THE FOURTH DOCTOR
From Doctor Who, cooking some sausages in a frying pan on the stove.
THE FOURTH DOCTOR
I suppose you don’t want any dinner then, Monty. What a pity, because I have made some sausages for everyone today.
MONTY
Bring it on!
Monty places the biscuit tin back onto the counter and races up to the Fourth Doctor, who places a bowl full of well cooked sausages on the floor. Monty digs in, chuckling to himself heartily:
MONTY
Good old Fourth Doctor.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END.
