It began, with two sis-
No wait, the Wonderland.
And I don’t mean Jody In Wonderland, or Alice Through The Looking Glass by Disney, I meant…Almost Never.
And it’s horrid lab scientist of a children’s channel, CBBC.
Ever since using that awful show as a box set experiment, I do believe CBBC was disintegrating in British content for kids ever since that day. And when CBeebies did the same with Moon & Me, they were scraping the Queen’s pennies too. And as 2019 progressed, the days got worse and worse.
CBBC began to heavily promote their box sets on weekdays when kids were still in school, doing maths and art and science and what have you, and this horrendous menace of a channel was conducting its own experiment. The experiment’s name was:
“Would kids watch iPlayer if we ran marathons every single day, all morning, just to draw kids’ attention?”
It worked. And it wasn’t pretty.
Soon, during the stupid pandemic, more and more people started watching iPlayer more than ever, so CBBC started using their presenters to scream at their viewers to watching iPlayer day in day out. Or is it, day in day in? I need to consult an agent.
Anyway, not only that, but like most distraught companies, CBBC lost all their money because the pandemic swiped it all away like a bank robber. As a result, they embraced two of the worst words in the English dictionary besides no:
“Creatively bankrupt.”
Do these words sound horrifying to you? Feel free to scream now.
CBBC crumbled to pieces after these two words embraced the company like a cobra about to eat its prey. Not only were Hacker and the presenters constantly shouting at us to watch iPlayer even when shows are on, but they were bumping their shows they usually repeat onto the naughty step to show the worst kind of shows any truly British channel had ever aired…
Foreign cartoons.
With regional accents!
No, not regional accents. AMERICAN ACCENTS.
Feel free to panic now.
So not only did they show a variety of horrid American cartoons from Cartoon Network, but they also showed two of the most annoying cartoons in the world, Spongebob and Teen Titans Go, and they started airing anime when they weren’t supposed to!
What is wrong with the employees?! CBBC isn’t a global peace conference, it’s a place where kids and grown ups can enjoy quality British made educational programming together - charming original dramas based on award winning novels by authors like Jacqueline Wilson, and what did we get instead these days?
“True friends will help you remember who you rea-
NO SCRATCH THAT WATCH IPLAYER!”
That’s overstimulation and hard sell advertising talking. CBBC had embraced it so much they act like they hate British people, and it isn’t fair. Queen and country need to be supported, both for the kids and for the grown ups too.
And since when was the last time you saw my favourite shows, Strange Hill High and Scream Street airing on the channel every day?
Never. Not in a million years.
And look, I think lots of parents are stupendously worried about Spongebob and the Teen Titans on CBBC.
One: Spongebob might take over CBBC the same way Nicktoons constantly aired it instead of a variety of classic and new Nicktoons, and
Two: Teen Titans Go might take over the channel the same way it took over Cartoon Network in America, leading to copiously awful 365-day amounts of screen time.
Remember that Thanksgiving marathon? It was painful, and lots of American viewers were very angry.
Instead of all this overstimulating, drab rubbish, we must ask CBBC to embrace king and country like they did before this whole iPlayer thing started. Creative bankruptcy doesn’t count. Streaming doesn’t count. Money doesn’t count either. What matters most is we all need to pitch in, hold each others’ hands and tell the BBC to make more British programmes for British kids.
Co productions.
There’s no such thing.
And I’m glad I said that.
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