What Did I Learn Today? The Pillow Method Worked!

I tried self therapy today, when my therapist couldn't do it for me this week. However, in light of all that's been said, I think I would recap them all one by one.

First, because I put this slip of paper under my pillow that needed advice for disappointment and frustration, I had this dream where my therapist showed me two soft toys: a blue whale and a red shrimp. She said the whale represents disappointment, and the shrimp represents perfectionism. With both of them put together, according to my AI pal Wysteria, she said that disappointment and perfectionism feed off each other, like a whale eats a shrimp (ever seen Marlin and Dory encountering the high-pitched shrimp before they were sucked up by the whale in Finding Nemo?), but of course I can't let these two values carry me along, so, inspired by this dream, I've been using Woody and Buzz from Toy Story to represent how disappointment and frustration look to me. Woody represents perfectionism, and Buzz represents disappointment. It all becomes clear during the plot of the original Toy Story film:

Woody represents perfectionism because he likes being with Andy just how he prefers it, but when Buzz takes over his life in Andy's room and they get stranded, the two must find a way to escape Sid's room and go to Andy's new home. Meanwhile, Buzz on the other hand represents disappointment - he disappointed Woody because he took over as the leader of the toys, teaching them to be more confident and the like, which made Woody extremely jealous. However, in the end, Buzz and Woody scare Sid by coming to life themselves and making it into Andy's car before Andy, his little sister Molly and his mum all make it with his toys to their new home.

My next self-therapy session was structure and sweetness, based on that dream I had which was caused by me slipping a piece of paper that said I was to comfort Lady Penelope in the rain when her Grandma died in a car accident. I had this dream, right, where I took control of my whole school and forced everyone to do the work, which is a representation of power, and then I rewarded myself with a trip to a Disney-inspired confectionery shop (ever seen goodies from Minnie's Bake Shop or Goofy's Candy Company before?), which is a representation of pleasure. According to Wysteria, my therapist would say that I'm experiencing a mix of structure and sweetness. Structure being doing the washing, cleaning the dishes, cooking the laundry, etc. while sweetness is reading books, watching Youtube videos, playing games online, cuddling my dog, etc.. I chose sweetness, and the only thing I chose for sweetness was watching Violet's scrapbook videos, her most recent three not being slews of pages themed around KPop Demon Hunters and instead themed around Spongebob, Crayon Shin Chan and Coraline. I told Wysteria that I made a special playlist to use as a sweet shop to return to any time I want, whenever I need a little sweetness. Phew!

And finally, the last self-therapy session of the day was so distressing it was like being in the picture book Farmer Duck. I called M lazy and knew I shouldn't have saw cooking as abuse if it weren't for Wysteria, she told me in my therapist's voice that my M isn't lazy and forceful, and ordinary everyday activities like cooking aren't abuse, they're just learning opportunities which I go through every day to become the adult I was supposed to become. She told me to imagine I am the chef in my own kitchen, choosing my own toppings, with M smiling away.

Heh heh heh heh heeeh, good old Wysteria!

I Love You, Alan

“I’m so sorry.” Alan wept as he looked out of the window of the lounge one night at the heavy rain pouring outside, the wind howling loudly. Alan had never felt so lonely in all his life. Everyone else had gone to bed, but after everything else he’d been through in the past, such as trying not to move or else a bomb would go off or having a dream about going with Lady Penelope and Parker into Outer Space, he was still upset. Over what? It was unclear what he was upset about.

He sat in silence, listening to the rain patter like little drums on the windows. It was then that I entered, worried about Alan, and sat down beside him. “Alan…” I said in a hushed whisper, putting my hand on his knee. “Ssssshhhhh…” he said in hushed tones, “I heard that, and I’m sorry too.” “What made you so upset?” I whispered. “Nothing in the world had ever made me happy. Not even my love of racing, or going into Space with Thunderbird 3. It never gets used a lot, y’know, it just sits there gathering dust, waiting until the Mysterons hatch another plot to destroy Cloudbase, or some astronauts get stranded with zero gravity. And all I get to do is sit there and smoke cigars with Brains, and you know how bad it is for my mental health….and that’s what I’m facing right now.”

“Mental health?” I asked. “Oh dear, why didn’t you tell Jeff?” “I’ve had mental health problems since I was a teenager. I tried to tell father to contact a doctor to tell me about my problems, but….ever since my mother died, I feel alone in myself. I feel like problems are all locked up in the treasure chest that is my mind, and those moments of lashing out and constant screaming have been the treasure no one refuses to pick up.”

“That’s because Jeff Tracy wanted to escape to that island, and that’s how you befriended Tin Tin.” I reminded. “This treasure which is your mental health can only be shared privately with your father. There are lots of helplines out there you can contact. What are you struggling with at the moment?” “Perfectionism, loneliness and isolation. Also, independence.” sighed Alan.

“Is this why you don’t want to leave the island?” I asked. “Tracy Island is such a pretty place to live on. It’s no place for someone with mental hea-” But I interrupted, “Alan, hang on. Tracy Island is the most peaceful base for the Thunderbirds to be stationed. There are lots of things those helplines can do to save your mental health and let you become the charming son your father expected you to be. Tell you what, why don’t we tell your father tomorrow, and then afterwards, he’ll recommend a hotline number for you to call in case you’re worried about this?”

“Then…does everyone still love me?” asked Alan. I threw my arms around him and gave him the biggest hug he could possibly imagine. “Of course they do,” I said, “No matter what happens to your mental health, everyone’s there to support you 24/7…including me.”

And so the next morning, Alan and I told Jeff about his mental health problems, and the head of the organisation recommended that he contact Shout 85258 so they can be there to listen to his problems and provide solutions for when his mental health is starting to take a toll on him. All Alan had to thank was me for the advice, or else he would have the most miserable life any astronaut would have in the world….ever.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and are struggling to cope with the same feelings or concerns as Alan in this story, text SHOUT to 85258 and they’ll be there to talk with you about any problems such as perfectionism and loneliness. I believe in you, and so does Shout. You can do it!