I.B.F.Fs: The Real Spooktacular Joke Book - Dig Vs Roger

One fine day, Dig was strolling through the park looking for something to play with. He couldn’t stop strutting and stumbling along the path, thinking about how wonderful the world was when there was nothing to do. In fact, he almost acted like Fred Astaire with all these moves. He approached a short wall and clambered up it. He balanced on it like a tightrope walker and leapt off, bowing as if an audience was there to applaud him. But what he did know was that he was right near the pond. He gazed at his reflection slowly. There was another Dig staring right at him. When he moved to the left, the other Dig moved with him, and when he moved to the right, the other Dig moved with him too! Dig was confused. Why was his reflection acting up? Suddenly, a family of ducks swam in and dissolved his reflection. Dig didn’t care. He just ran off, barking with laughter.

He hadn’t gone too far when he saw a hot dog kiosk just nearby. Near it stood Roger, the school bully and the older brother of kindy student Jasper, who was sitting at the table eating the most delicious ketchup slathered hot dog you could ever imagine. “Mmmmm, that should fill my pallet until Mum and Jaspie-Waspie get back.” he mumbled to himself, chewing on his hot dog delicacy. Dig wanted it first. He ran up to the table, leapt over it and took the hot dog from Roger’s paws, just as he was about to take a bite. Roger bit down on his teeth! “Oi! Where’d my hot dog go?” he shouted, and saw Dig running off with it. “Come back here!” he cried, and the chase was on!

Roger was chasing Dig round the park quickly than he ever had done before. Dig ran past a bench, and a flock of birds began to scatter. Dig leapt over a stone, but Roger lost his balance, tripped and fell over! Roger wasn’t ready to give up now, he raced after Dig towards the roundabout, where Dig leapt on and began to spin. Roger was going round in circles chasing after him, in fact he was chasing after him so much he felt dizzy. Dig had won the chase. He raced behind a tree and tucked into his hot dog, giving a little hiccup as he did. Roger clenched his fists in anger and roared.

A little while later, Roger was out for a spin on his skateboard across the street. He was being like every teenager, whirling around and doing some cool tricks until his arms fell off and his knees were bent. That is, until he tripped over Dig. Dig barked and smiled and waggled his tongue happily. “Why you little…!” cried Roger, and he started to chase Dig across the streets, all the way to the airport. Dig jumped onto a blue plane and set off flying. Roger leapt into a red plane, donned a cap and goggles, and set off flying. The two planes jetted across the sky, flying after each other at the speed of sound. As Dig flew, a flock of geese flew past him. Dig flew with them, totally misunderstanding what he was supposed to do. Another plane overtook Roger’s, and Roger honked the horn on the plane as if it were a car.

The two planes flew higher and higher, travelling in circles, until they ran out of fuel. Roger grabbed Dig, but soon they were holding onto the moon, with Dig grabbing hold of Roger’s foot using his teeth. They were a long way up, and Roger was desperately terrified of heights. “Let go of me, your teeth are digging into my skin!” he cried. Roger’s hands were sweating, and Dig was biting down harder. Suddenly, Roger’s grip couldn’t take anymore. Roger let go, and both were falling, out of Space, and down towards earth again…straight towards the duck pond.

Roger sat up, pondweed in his mouth, feeling disgraceful. Dig got out, feeling extremely proud of himself and shaking himself ‘til he was all dry. He looked, and saw the family of ducks that he saw earlier, eating the pondweed and pecking Roger so that he got his just desserts. A tear came into Dig’s eye, but he wiped it away and set off down the path. It wasn’t long until he reached me, Luke, Resus and Cleo again. “Dig! Who’s a good boy?!” I cried, scooping him up into his arms and cuddling him, stroking his wet fur. “Don’t ever stow away like that again. We were worried about you!” “And this is why we saw those two planes flying about in the sky…until they crashed into the ocean.” joked Resus, and we all laughed as we made our way home.

I.B.F.Fs: The Real Spooktacular Joke Book - Understand Them Better

Dr Skulley stared longingly at his pupils. They were busy working on an English assignment, quietly dragging pencils and pens across lined paper. He thought the class was in perfect working order by the time he announced the assignment on the Salem witch trials, which offended Luella one bit but she soon got used to it. During the assignment, most of the students turned and whispered to each other, giggling over those secrets. Everyone was paying attention to one another - all except for Chucker and Basher. They were just sitting in their seats, writing slowly, with no attention paid to them anymore. Dr Skulley knew something had to be done.

At break time, Dr Skulley called Chucker and Basher back into class. He wanted to have a word with them. “Now then, you two, recently I just saw how much my students aren’t paying attention to the both of you. All they do is talk to each other, but not you. What am I going to do with you?” Chucker and Basher looked at each other, confused and concerned. “Everyone pays attention to someone. Everyone needs special care sometimes. Which is why I suddenly have an amazing idea. Tonight is the next full moon. By that point, you’ll join me in a ritual to help you get understood better. The ritual will take place tonight, and you will stay in school until it’s time. No, I’m not saying that you need detention, it’s about time you need a bit of respect in this classroom. Now run along and play.” As Chucker and Basher ran out of the classroom, Dr Skulley rubbed his skeletal hands with evil glee. “Right, that’s another way out of the way, can’t risk having a werewolf around when the Poltergeist twins partake in a ritual…”

That night, a full moon shone in the dark, dark sky. Chucker and Basher stood outside as Dr Skulley came out of the empty school building wearing a velvety red robe. He drew a big circle on a clear patch on the ground, then placed a dozen candles around it. Lighting each one took rather a long time, but finally, he finished. “Stand well back.” he demanded, and the Poltergeist twins did as he said. Dr Skulley raised his hands as the clouds parted, revealing the full, delicate moon in the sky. “Oh great spirit, give my students the power to understand those naive Poltergeist children!” The moon’s light shone down on the candles, and immediately the circle started to light up with a thousand flames. “Arise, arise, and make them feel understood more!” Dr Skulley shouted loudly over the noise of the roaring flames. Chucker and Basher looked scared. The candles were melting, and the moon’s light shone brighter on the growing fire. “Give a more understanding nature to my pupils, and they’ll trust Chucker and Basher more!” The flames roared up into the sky and disappeared into the full moon, turning it yellow. The whole street shone yellow too. The candles had melted entirely, and everything was quiet again.

Chucker and Basher were delighted. The ritual had worked! The two ran to Dr Skulley and hugged him. “I’m glad you like this ritual. Now run off home to your parents. I suppose they’ll understand them more. But sssssshhhhh, don’t tell anyone I let you perform an ancient ritual at night!” Chucker and Basher grabbed their bags from inside the empty school building and raced away.

The next day, the students were quietly writing as usual. Dr Skulley waited long and hard to see if the ritual worked. Then, the students turned their heads towards Chucker and Basher. “Oooooooh,” they moaned sadly, and they all ran up to the lonely Poltergeist twins. They were being stroked, patted and comforted before you knew it. “Poor Chucker and Basher!” they said out of comfort. “YES!” screamed Dr Skulley, jumping up and down in excitement, “Let’s see how gravity defies you now, almighty devil!”

He turned away from his supportive class and smeared his white, boney forehead with bloody war paint. This begs the question: was it really Dr Skulley who made the ritual successful?

Who knows.