Apparently it wasn’t just Cheese who was in grave danger with the UK government either. Only about yesterday, I heard that Mr Dumper, head of Dumper’s Disposable Nappies, had gotten himself into trouble too, for saying the word Bot-whoops, I mean er, rear end, in many of his adverts, including those Cheese and Tomato starred in.
A few years ago, Mr Dumper chose Tomato to star in an advert for Rainbow Dumpers, after some giant babies told him to stop using throwaway nappies - I don’t know about you, but Cheese or Tomato will soon be all over Youtube the same way Robbie Rotten from LazyTown did.
At Dumpers HQ, Mr Dumper was signing a few forms from some of his clients, when all of a sudden Mr Preetig and his agents came marching into his office like an army of Stormtroopers. Mr Dumper was so shocked his forms flew everywhere like confetti!
Mr Preetig halted before the petrified Mr Dumper, who shrank back quivering in his wheely spinny chair. For a moment, there was silence. Then, Mr Preetig let out a jumpscare inducing yell, loud enough so an employee in the next room got a heart attack and fainted on the spot!
“MR DUMPER!!!” he roared. Mr Dumper still quivered and whimpered in his chair, as if he had regressed in age to a baby again, which is just what all his products are aimed at.
“Mmmmm, no response.” growled Mr Dumper. He cleared his throat importantly.
“Anyway, I want to remind you that we, the UK government, are officially shutting down Dumper’s for good and always.”
More whimpering.
“We have overheard that you use the words ‘Bum’ and ‘Bottom’ a lot in your adverts, and they have encouraged children to exhibit scatological behaviour in front of their parents. In fact, about last week we got a report from an eyewitness that one toddler still wore his nappy and threw it around like a football shirt while it was still full of poo, causing a horrible stinking mess! His mum complained about cleaning up the mess, and it had made us unimpressed.”
At last, Mr Dumper found his voice. He rose up from behind his desk, jumped to his feet, and pointed Mr Preetig in the chest.
“Now listen here, Mr Preetig, we at Dumpers are meant to include gross out humor in our ad - AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
Mr Preetig took out an electric laser and stabbed Mr Dumper in the finger, causing him to blow backwards towards the wall. A framed certificate from Mumsnet fell onto his head.
At first, he thought he was seeing stars. And then, when he looked at his electrocuted finger, he screamed. Again! It was blackened and burnt, and it was chopped in half and falling off! Rotten bones were showing, and blood leaked out from his hand. Urgh! Yet, if I were there, I’d find it kind of disturbing.
The agents broke out into applause for Mr Preetig for doing such a horrendous job. Although, it wasn’t wild and excitable applause, it was them all clapping slowly in unison, as if they had been brainwashed by aliens. Mr Preetig didn’t even bow. While the applause droned on, he took off his glasses, cleaned them, and then wiped his eyes with a baby wipe. Mr Dumper realised what that pack of baby wipes was.
“OI!” he roared. “Those are my Dumpers disposable baby wipes! Put them down at once!”
The applause suddenly halted. Mr Preetig went red with anger, like Mr Tugg about to have one of his angry meltdowns.
“YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, DAVID!” roared Mr Preetig,
“Like your nappies, your wipes are disposable. And when I looked at the contents of the wipes, they were still laiden with mustard, ketchup, pee and baby food!”
Mr Dumper smiled nervously.
“There must have been an error in the system. Mind if I-”
But Mr Preetig interrupted furiously, turning red hot with frustration. He felt so angry his head felt like it was going to explode.
“Mr Dumper, we’ve had enough of your innuendo, toilet humor, and crude references in both your adverts and your products. We are officially shutting down your company tomorrow at 11AM sharp.”
“And while we’re shutting down the company, we’ll shut it down the best way possible.” He leaned closer toward Mr Dumper with a disturbing, wide, psychopathic grin on his face, and said, in a low and growly voice:
“We, the UK government, on behalf of the board of health and safety….will execute you.”
Mr Dumper was shocked!
I was shocked too when I found out the news, and so was Mum. Dad felt the same. And so did Granny, and Lancelot, and of course Rubbish, our goat. In fact she was so shocked that she refused to eat until the following day.
At 11AM precisely, we were to attend Mr Dumper’s execution. Mum was already crying her eyes out, and Dad had to comfort her. Granny and Lancelot were also there. Granny was also crying, yet Lance kept a brave face.
And me? I had to watch too. It wasn’t too pleasant.
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