Hi, Zero. I can't take it anymore!
Ah, hello dear girl, hm, very nice to see you again. Wait - why are you so sad?
I've had the worst day EVER!
Oh dear. I hate it when days like this happen - and on the day a new Terrahawks episode is arriving on the Gerry Anderson Youtube channel. How shameful. What happened?
Well, first I was chased by a bumblebee when we had a picnic, and then I sat and ate my lunch, which was good, then H whipped me and screamed at me to find a bin. Then we went to the car park and I got restless, and then we went to S's house and she had that stupid Moana sequel on! DISNEY IS BECOMING MORE LAZY BY THE MINUTE!!! crying
And the result is?
I'm never watching Moana or anything related to that stupid Maori girl again! She feels like Shrek!
Well, I think for a time like this, on a Terra Tuesday, when we feel a little namby-pamby, I think we should watch a little Peter Pan, don't you think?
Thanks, Zero. It's much better than new woke Disney.
I understand how lazy people feel over the rise of remakes and sequels - they're just too lazy. Nobody dares produce original content anymore, all except Aardman. I see the praise the latest Wallace & Gromit film got....but I too have had a bad day, just when I was looking forward to Terra Tuesday.
Oh have you? I can relate. What have you been up to?
Well, I was looking forward to taking cookies after lunch today, but instead Dr Ninestein gave me dog food. He thought I was the family pet and wanted to treat me like a puppy. Then I went to a hot car park and I felt so sweaty I immediately screamed for Ninestein to take me home, which he refused. Then we were watching a film and it was Mufasa: The Lion King, which made me want to blow my top and scream my head off.
That's horrible!
Yes, Ninestein thought today's films were real films, and Kate Kestrel told him to stop showing the film to him, but he did it anyway.
Oh dear, well, I can relate. Why don't we think up something that'll replace Moana 2? What if it were distributed by Dreamworks?
Listen: if we want to make something that's not as terrible as Moana 2, I think we should make something to replace that....dare I say it....F.B.
laughs
I know, of course, if you call her F.B. behind the backs of H and your mum, then the film series will get loads of hate.
Of course! Let everyone in the comments of Youtube, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram call Moana by her nickname 'F.B'. Anyway, my idea for an original story is that a young Maori couple set off on their honeymoon across the sea, only to run into a magic cloud which takes them to a strange island full of bizarre creatures and lush landscapes which they must escape if they want to return home.
Bravo, you're very good at rewriting what should've been the laziest Disney film idea ever.
Am I? Thanks!
What shall we name it, do you think?
Hmmmmmm....I think I should name it....'Ao Ke', which means, 'Strange World' in Maori.
Wow! What a good name, ha-ha!
How are you doing with Yung-Star at the moment?
We've been meeting in secret when we have the chance. Just about today I met Yung-Star and he was wearing green and blue zinc sunscreen and a swimsuit, because Zelda was taking him and Cy-Star to the beach. He offered me a lick of his ice cream and a sip of his Coke before Dr Ninestein and Zelda had to come and drag us away.
That was horrible! I would've loved to join you, then Dr Ninestein won't have to drag you away.
I know. Ninestein really is a horrible person, isn't he? He's more horrible than The Hood or Captain Black put together!
I know how you feel about Captain Scarlet at the moment, he's been suffering with PTSD ever since 2003.
That's when Channel 4's 100 Greatest Scary Moments aired, right? It was Halloween at the time.
Everyone's afraid of this special. Even I'm afraid of it.
It seems like the whole world suffered from mass hysteria during the time this dreadful two parter aired.
Mainly all the UK. They were the scariest moments in TV, film and music.
At least nobody suffered with PTSD.
Well, all except dear Captain Scarlet.
I.....I.....
Come on then, chap, speak up!
I....I.....I....
No time for dilly-dallying, I want to hear what the problem is.
I.....I DON'T WANT MUFASA! crying hysterically
Calm down then.
long silence
Oh. You're right, Zero, Moana 2 and Mufasa: The Lion King are the worst Disney films next to The Lion King II: Simba's Pride. And I feel that Kiara is the reason behind why Moana 2 exists.
Yeah, ever since she became president of Disney, she's been ordering the film industry to make more remakes and sequels, which are so soulless they lose the magic and charm of the original. She has even banned traditional hand drawn animation, which isn't fair as AI generated animation is taking over from the cartoons we love.
FOOL! I am the chemist!
Eh? What triggered your sudden anger?
My mother keeps asking me if I've been to the chemist's. Every single adult female has been overprotective to me - cleaning chocolate off my face, finding the right seatbelt, droning about the chemist....I'VE HAD ENOUGH, and it's spoiling Terra Tuesday!
Well you know what, chap? Ninestein is ruining my Terra Tuesday too! You know what? We should break the rules and ignore the fuss instead!
YEAH!
Don't let H and your mum throw you around and abuse you until you burst in the microwave like those Toad's Mistake videos!
Of course I won't! I'm much calmer now!
Good. So if I remember correctly, I have written a plan and kept it somewhere in Kate's drawer. Want to help me look?
Okay, no problem!
A few minutes later....
Found it! Er....Zero, why are you wearing Kate's favourite pink pair of Satin knickers on your head?
Because I just love wearing knickers on my head. It's my most favourite thing to do and it always makes my friends laugh - except Ninestein of course.
Knicked Kniiiickeeeers!
Both of us laugh
Ah, ah, good one, good one. Now, I overheard earlier on that you were looking at H's wedding photos. You had the idea of a version of The Sign featuring H, G, George and their kids and grandkids - and moving house too. All of us watched The Sign last year, and we were very upset by it. Luckily, Kate and Lt Hiro encouraged me to watch happy things instead.
Like what? Peter Pan?
Yes, Peter Pan. My favourite Disney film.
If only I could fly and never grow up like Peter Pan.
Me too. I've watched Peter Pan since I was a Mini Zeroid, and I have wished I could fly away to Neverland and join Peter Pan and the Lost Boys in defeating Captain Hook.
But Ninestein didn't let you, right?
No. He said he didn't believe in faith, trust and pixie dust.
But everyone else in your group does, don't they?
They do. They've spent ages trying to convince Ninestein to believe.
Well you don't have any hands unlike your team members. If you had hands, you'd clap to wake Tinker Bell up.
Ah yes, I would. It's sad I don't have any arms or legs. All I could do is jump and roll.
Well, at least your human friends have arms and legs. But unfortunately their legs aren't shown on your show.
That's because we're all puppets, and you're only human. You have arms, legs and a body, and that's all that matters.
Do the Cubes need to know that too?
Where have you been all this time?
I've been to the loo.
Us Zeroids don't use the toilet - except when we leak oil.
I see. Well, you Zeroids pee oil when you get scared, right?
Of course.
Well, I think whoever said that during my first Gerry Anderson podcast video was absolutely correct.
Ah, even the wisest sci-fi fans know knowledge.
Like ones for Stars Wars and Dr Who too?
Of course! British sci fi fans love Gerry Anderson, Star Wars and Dr Who.
That's why there are shops called Forbidden Planet.
Speaking of the 'plan' in planet, we almost forgot about my plan!
Oh right! Now....wait, I see you wrote your plan with blueberry ink! But...you don't have hands.
Ah who cares I can write without hands if I want to.
I laugh
Now, first up on the plan: order a pizza takeaway and lounge on the bed while eating it.
Ooh! Let's do that! I'd like a cheese and tomato pizza, chicken wings, cookies and Coke Zero.
I think I would like a pizza with everything on it, plus some ice cream and a Coke too.
Second thing: make a playlist for Stingray and Space 1999 - and I already did that!
Good for you, my girl. Now, third thing: don't sing Aqua Marina.
Yeah, I think you're right, Marina will get very-
Urp! No mentioning the word angry, I think we've had enough anger as it is today. Anger is the devil's minion.
Sorry about that. I'm afraid....
Of what?
I'm living the worst life ever.
You're not living the worst life ever, it's just an argument, and I'll give you 11 things you can do on Terra Tuesday to make it still feel like the best evening ever and not the best day ever.
1.Ignore everything about today.
2.Don't worry about it anymore.
3.Just put your mind onto doing the things you love, like talking to me for instance.
4.Watch something happy on the television - AS LONG AS IT'S NOT THE F.B! I meant Moana.
5.Dance all the sadness and anger out of your body.
6.Take three slow, gentle deep breaths and it'll all be out of your head.
7.Grab yourself a snack or a favourite drink and get out a board game to make up for the argument.
8.Try and make sure you never kick off ever again.
9.Watch something funny online.
10.Do some exercise from either Joe Wicks or Andy's Animal Workouts.
11-
ANDY'S ANIMAL WORKOUTS?! Are you CRAZY, Zero?! CBeebies has gone woke!
Oh. My bad, sorry, CBeebies too has lost its creativity.
Yeah, they're just airing imported American garbage.
Mmmmm, I can see that. I read an article saying from Teletubbies creator Anne Wood that kids in the playground are talking in American accents since Channel 4 and ITV are no longer producing shows for kids, and the BBC hasn't. Got. Budget.
I know, right, since when has Channel 4 aired another song and dance number from The Hoobs or Sesame Street?
And when has ITV aired another programme endorsed by HiT Entertainment, like Percy The Park Keeper or Kipper? Look inside this Telly Tots magazine and you'll see what I mean.
Ah, I can see that. ITV put colour into the grey corners of children's TV back then. Now they're a Rolling Stones song - they want everything to turn black.
I have been saving it from a local newsagent behind Ninestein's back!
So that's where you got it from.
I know right, bizarre! Anyway, if only we could do something to persuade the BBC to get its budget ba-
Hang on. Have you noticed Channel 4 once aired Street Sharks?
Yes.
Well, it feels more like a Japanese anime than a Western cartoon, way before the early 2000's boom in anime on kids' TV. When I was a baby and toddler, English-dubbed anime was all the rage for kids in America.
And kids in Britain too.
Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious.
I feel bad about the main cast of Digimon in Digimon Adventure 02.
I know, right, it felt like their owners were abusing them, and PETA wouldn't like that.
And have you played Pokemon: Black & Blue? I've been playing it a lot since Dr Ninestein started abusing me. Although I may have to skip the disgusting videos because they make me stressed.
Yeah, PETA makes me want to wrench, especially the content they produce over on their Youtube channel. The RSPCA are much better at making sure animals are safe.
I agree with you, PETA is quite a disgusting company to turn to.
Some videos say that they're responsible for killing animals instead of rehoming them, and that's not fair. We all want animals to live happily, not die sadly.
Of course! I bet Connor, the chimpanzee who was taken to a sanctuary, has been slaughtered into poisonous chimp meat.
Urgh, chimp meat tastes disgusting and smelly - almost like It Star.
I remember the day when he was born - it was so adult that ITV cut it out to make room for It Star popping out of the machine. I feel there is a little light on the back of his head that flashes to change his personalities. When it turns green, he becomes a little girl, when it turns red, he becomes a mad scientist.
What an innovation! I wish Zelda would present that at Apple's next conference.
Well, the best innovation is watches that change red whenever you are about to feel angry, and say tips on what to do if you get angry in a robotic voice.
I wish they invented them....but right now they're growing Lab meat.
Urgh....
And lab dairy, and lab fish. Everything will be very disgusting in two years, and we'll be starving with lots of strange, horrible, lab-bred, yucky food in our welfare!
Oh, disgusting! I wouldn't want to try it, and neither do Kate or Hiro, or even Yung-Star. I wish we had the real food so we could obey the food pyramid.
Did Helen's kids learn about the food pyramid at school?
Sargent Major Zero sees all.
Ooooooooooh!
And speaking of H, we're going to punish her for making you have a bad day!
YEAH! Er....how do we do that?
It's quite simple: all we have to do is follow these 11 easy steps:
1.Lock her in a cage for 100 years.
4.Drown her in a bathtub.
5.Feed her poisoned sausage rolls.
6.Throw her far into Space.
7.Bury her in the soil.
8.Send your dog Mylo to attack her!
9.Send a whole pack of dogs from a prison to attack her.
10.Throw her in a crocodile infested river.
11.Crucify her!
Hang on, Sargent Major Zero. You're planning to kill Helen the same way the Hebrew people killed Jesus? By nailing her hands flat onto a cross and leaving her to starve to death with no food or water?!
And then, until he was revealed to be alive years later, a harlequin version of his body took his place.
Gross!
We can't turn H into someone surrounded by blood and hard skin pieces, it would be suicide!
Good point, I think we'll leave the crucifying bit out.
Yeah, being crucified is terrible. The moment you hear about it in school, you get images of Jesus covered in blood and pieces of hard skin, even in his eyes!
Oh god...I'm going to be sick. Hang on a minute!
A few seconds later....
Zero! You alright?
Of course, had to upchuck a few bits and pieces and parts before I could roll back. I just left a vomit trail on the floor.
Oh god, Ninestein will be angry. Why don't we clean it up?
Of course. Let's clean up quickly before the Terrahawks see the mess.
10 minutes later....
Well, the nurse Zeroid said you have to lay off eating and drinking and just drink water until you feel less queasy and dizzy. Which reminds me - have you read Dork Diaries: Pop Star yet? At the beginning, Nikki (aka the most annoying book character in the world) and her sister Brianna have lunch at Brianna's favourite kiddie pizza joint, Queasy Cheesy, and then they come up on stage and do some funky dances to the 'I Love Queasy Cheesy' theme song.
Mmmmm, too much of a girly thing. Something for Kate Kestrel to read.
Do you find her annoying too?
The whole world finds her annoying. Next to Humphrey the hamster, she's the most annoying character in children's literature. I don't mean Kate, I meant Nikki.
Have you ever tried imagining what you can see when you hear the music of Terrahawks?
I've tried to, but Ninestein is always telling me to get back to work.
Well, he's away now, so I think I might share some music video ideas with you. The first is for 'Aka Tonbo' from Asian Dreamland, and features a red Chinese spirit in the form of a red dragonfly flittering through a peaceful Japanese countryside, encountering Lady Penelope and me (depicted as feral, comfortable people), Marina, Oink and the crew of Stingray aboard their steamboat and Venus, Zoonie and Robert (also depicted feral). At the end of the video, the dragonfly transforms into a mysterious hooded figure and wanders off into the fog.
Oh my word, what a beautiful piece of art you've thought up. What I want to know is how you think up all these wonderful ideas.
You,
Yesterday 15:52
, Edited By watching and reading of course!
