10 Replacements For The Cause Of Tense Behaviour, Christopher Robin

 Space 1999

Fireball XL5

Thunderbirds

Stingray

Brum

Captain Scarlet

Bob Needs A Severe Talking To, Kipper!

- Honestly, Bob? This DVD is just too noisy and overwhelming!

- Well, we just wanted to make this DVD to make kids happy and full of energy.

- But Bob, look at what you've done! It says here in our annual HIT Reports 2004 that no matter how loud you try to be on this DVD, some kids have sensitive hearing. I think it's called autism. From my childcare experiences, I've dealt with children with autism before - they're so anxious they can become overwhelmed by loud noises and bright lights. My show does none of that.

- Mine neither, but let's say it's just a one off.

- A one off? There's loads of autistic children out there who need slow paced, calming entertainment, like mine for instance. Can't you just make 'Quietest Children's Favourites'? You could take Barney and The Wiggles out and just add quieter episodes of our shows for starters.

- Sorry, Kipper, but we don't have enough time. By the way, I've got an important list of things to do. See?

- That's a very long list. How do you manage to fit all this in one day?

- Hmmmmm....well, let's just say I rely on Scoop over there.

- No way! You plugged Scoop into the wall with an electronic socket?

- I am the head of HIT Entertainment, and I had this elecnotronic keyboard plugged right into Scoop's petrol tank. Whatever I type, Scoop produces.

- No, that's too cruel! Bob, just unplug Scoop and try to think about other people just this once, please. You can't rely on a machine to do anything like that. Anything made for the algorithm is pure noise and fast scene changes.

- Ah - aaaaaaaaah. *types on his keyboard* Scoop, generate a new Kipper DVD for me, please.

*Scoop glitches out, then*

- No job, Bob.

- See? You're not the mutt for the job either. Kids deserve loud, fast content in their busy lives. I'm afraid you're disqualified.

- NO!

- I seriously need to do something about it. Kipper's so upset with what Bob did with his life.

Happiness Tip #8: Learning With Pi - I Mean, Er, Kipper

Kipper is a teacher and wise mutt of a lot of things that may not be important in other HIT Entertainment shows right now. In Angelina Ballerina for example, Angelina almost always has to do things almost immediately so it's perfect. But from Kipper's perspective, it's completely okay not to. The true balance is in the special connection between either friends, or parents and children.

Happiness Tip #4

Clean Break? More like 'Dirty Mend'. Clean Break is the ultimate trigger for intrusive thoughts, so creating a Comfort Soundproof Playlist of natural sounds, ambience from natural environments and calm music and audiobooks works a treat.

Here, my dear princesses, are 10 examples:

1.Kipper

2.Disney Bedtime Stories

3.Tracy Beaker

4.Cliffhanger

5.Buried Alive

6.My Brother's Famous Bottom

7.MBFB Gets Pinched

8.Harry Potter (w/ Stephen Fry narrating)

9.Horrid Henry (w/ Miranda Richardson narrating)

10.The Water Babies

10 British Kids' TV Classics Which Defied Creative Risks

Attention kids' TV lovers! I've just read Anne Wood's article about the uncertain future, and the bad news is: TV companies are finding content for the algorithm much easier to produce, wheras now everyone finds British kids' TV shows which define creative risks hard to do with so much money out of the bank!

*Crowd gasps in horror*

But don't worry, some classics have managed to defy the creative risks in different and amazing ways, from those classic dramas families can enjoy together to gentle, kind preschool shows that'll calm young viewers today. 10 of these, for example, defy these risks, and here they are in person:

1.Teletubbies, as seen above, manages to mix a boundaryless world of fun and learning with a sense of calm and relaxation, allowing toddlers to grow and develop at a calm steady pace. The show uses a mixture of giant costume puppets, animatronic robots, real life documentary footage and CGI to enhance the entertainment, and the learning experience.

2.Filmfair's Paddington series took British children's animation a next step forward by mixing one stop motion, cuddly teddy from Darkest Peru with paper cutout backgrounds and characters.

3.Brum, the '90s series, has an animatronic model car as a character, and uses silent human characters and miming, accompanied by gentle, motherly narration, to surprisingly touch the hearts of toddlers watching with their parents.

4.Thunderbirds may look like an average British '60s marionette series, but its combination of proper English dialogue, diverse range of accents - most notably American accents for the Tracy Brothers, Brains and Jeff Tracy, truly British accents for Lady Penelope and Parker and Malaysian accents for Tin Tin Kyrano and her father, simply named Kyrano - and mind-blowing special effects by Derek Meddings made it a low-stimulating yet high stakes classic, enjoyed by kids and adults alike.

5.The BBC's Narnia series defied how all classic children's book adaptations should be made, not with CGI or expensive special effects, but with a mixture of puppets, live actors and traditionally animated creatures - something Disney dared not do when they made their adaptation.

6.Spot, based on the books by Eric Hill, took out the high stakes and action-filled, problem-focused narratives and just focused on stream of conciousness stories focusing on the life of a boy Spot's age as he goes around playing new games and meeting new friends.

7.Kipper, another cartoon dog, took the low stakes, soothing narratives to a whole new level in the late '90s, combining slice of life stories and chilled out characters with some rather surreal and fantastical storylines that don't just rely on quests and high stakes, as mentioned with Spot. Instead, it relies on exploration and discovery, something all preschool shows should inherit, including Bluey.

8.The 2002 version of Andy Pandy brought back the storytelling formula long forgotten by kids' TV back then, making the visualised characters silent in order for the narrator, Mr Tom Conti, to express what they're saying to the young viewers watching and describe how they communicate in their world without speaking at all, proving even in the early 2000's, art is a simple form of communication for children who are deaf mute.

9.The Wheels On The Bus does what Cocomelon does, only in a slow paced, low stimulating, truly British manner. Its smooth, lesser detailed CGI and enjoyable songs, plus gentle narration by Dawn French and enjoyable eye candy, provided an entirely different way for kids to enjoy their favourite nursery rhymes while enjoying some originally written songs.

10.And last but not least, we have In The Night Garden, a soothing bedtime experience for children which mixes giant costume puppet characters which the youngest target audience can see themselves in with stop motion and inflatable prop characters and digitally enhanced CGI and special effects to demonstrate to even weary parents the transformative power about how play and toddler development can wind young children down at the end of a busy day. And during the time it was made, Ragdoll was as successful with that as it was with Teletubbies years ago.

But now...it's all gone.

With algorithm making shows easier to produce and kids' TV drawing kids' attention rather than telling them stories, with a demand for more overseas programmes to get them watching channels as a cow produces babies to produce more milk or our cornflakes.

And if today's loud, overstimulating overseas shows are a cow's babies, kids of today are the milk, once pure and fresh, turning stinky and curdled with every single attention-grabbing channel, show or Youtube video they watch. So those baby calves who are making the ratings plummet need us. They need us to get the BBC and ITV to make more programmes that'll nurture kids' minds in the low stimulating, risk-defying format and styles we've so long lost to CGI and special effects.

So, in honor of this, we give this risk-defying, calming, collected era a minute's silence. Cue the music, please...😢

When I See Parkdean Resorts In A Kids' Favourites From The Works Email...

A Poem About A Good Cry, By Brum

When my friend was ill, she felt emotion

And then began to cry

I haven't felt emotion this much

Ever since I heard Kipper's mother Katie died

The Nesquik Bunny's Chart Of 13 Writing Activities That Don't Involve Writing A Full Story

1. Me - Daydream Journal
2. Metabee - Feeling the story
3. Brass - Listening to classical music
4. Rokusho - Talking about some points in the story
5. Valentine - Writing story moments on a piece of paper
6. Alan - Telling them verbally
7. Tin Tin - Telling them bit by bit while travelling with support workers
8. Brains - Making graphs for each moment
9. Kipper - Reading books and changing the words
10. Brum - Telling a story and letting others make noises and do the actions with the story
11. Bluey - Telling stories through a Lofi playlist
12. Snoopy - Same as above
13. Sooty - Using props to tell a story

The Nesquik Bunny's Chart Of 9 Creative Activities

1. Me - Daydream Journal
2. Alan - Model spaceships
3. Tin Tin - Homemade perfume
4. Brains - Fizzy science experiments
5. Metabee - Nature walk
6. Brass - Ballet music playlist
7. Rokusho - Blanket fort hangout
8. Kipper - Friendship scrapbook
9. Brum - Book of curious questions
10. Bob The Builder - Building with Lego and Duplo

When I See A New Email From The Works...

Kipper's Strawberry Yogurt Pops

Like my old friend Percy The Park Keeper, I love yogurt, especially with a baguette. But, I love ice lollies even more, especially frozen yogurt lollies coming in every different colour of the rainbow. I may have had ice creams, but I never had ice lollies on the show, so, I think now's the time I might have to tell you how to do it - with the help of a brown bunny who loves chocolate milkshakes...

https://www.nesquik.co.uk/strawberry-yogurt-pops#

Metabee & Friends' Three Things To Watch When Scared

Metabee and his two best friends are here to tell you what shows to watch if you feel scared at night. Right, bots, off you go!

METABEE: When I feel scared, I watch Kipper. Oh, a timeless classic I tell you, no matter what, I always find Kipper really calming and relaxing. No matter what Kipper and his friends do, I always find myself joining in too. It gives me a source of comfort, away from Ikki's torture.

BRASS: I usually love watching the old Barbie films all the way up to 2009. When they aired on YTV back during its 'Weird' era, I would run to the screen and be glued to it. For you see, it's not about consumerism, it's about delighting on who we're all made of, large or small, short or tall.

ROKUSHO: I'll go last. Usually for a brash tall lab experiment like me, I watch hardcore and horrifying things, but too many of that and you're hobnobbled to extinction. So, I hate to say this, but the soothing thing I like to watch is Earth Moods - it may not be from YTV, but slow pans through various places on Earth can soothe me and make me...

CHILL...

Question Of The Day: Nick Jr

What is your favourite classic show on Nick Jr UK from your childhood, and why? Bonus points if it's either Kipper or Maisy!

The Evil Surreal/Good Surreal Diagram

Key episodes:

• Kipper - The Magic Lamp
• Brum - Brum Goes Shopping
• Teletubbies - Tabla (India)
• In The Night Garden - Pinky Ponk Adventure
• Oswald - The Leaky Tap
• Abney & Teal - The Camera
• Lavender Castle - Galactic Park

My Reaction To Kipper Being On Sky Kids

Table Time Is Thinking Time

Now that I'm eating at the table, I'm using breakfast as an opportunity to think about what I want to do today, or with my support workers. While I was eating my Cornflakes, like Kipper always does while giving some of his flakes to Roly Poly the little orange hamster, who is sitting on his orange fluffy head, here's something I thought of while I was eating...

Ah! Placemats! There are all sorts of placemats available on Amazon and everywhere online at the moment - My Little Pony, Scooby Doo, Transformers, Batman & Superman, you name it, it's on there. And don't forget about all the placemats you can colour and make - I'm going to do this with my support worker who always takes me out for McDonald's - it'll be much better than going out and listening to her noisy radio. And, I'll also do it with another one of my support workers to make up for the loss of George the dog and to make up for not going to her house to bake cakes - especially since her kids are at home.

So, the activities I'm going to do with my support workers during our playdates include: baking, painting and crafting placemats. Or, I could buy some from Amazon, like that cute one with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy high above what you're reading right now.

I wish Friendship Is Magic was cute and adorable instead of having adorkable teen humor and scary moments that horribly stand out from the cuter, simpler, slower paced traditionally animated MLP films of the past...

A Torchwood Analogy

"We are coming."

What the hecking heck was that?! That's a traumatising sci-fi series talking if you ask me, because the BBC didn't give a flying raspberry about what our kids are watching these days. Let's reframe what the possessed kids are actually saying:

"We are being overstimulated by fast changing scenes, rapid flashing lights and loud actors and voices."

So with that said, it goes that I have a new analogy connecting episode five of this disturbing series to what CBBC is up to these days. Let's break it down with the four key elements that are a part of episode 5 of Torchwood's Children Of Earth:

THE ARMY. The army, my dear friends, represents the horror that is CBBC. In the episode, the army takes the children away to have their chemicals fed to the 456. The 456 represents one word: algorithm, which controls programming rather than human curators. With more kids switching to Youtube and streaming, I think the army is a representation of the loud American content kids are forced to take in instead of all this beautiful hand crafted happiness kids of the last few decades experienced.

THE KIDNAPPED KIDS. They represent traumatised viewers, especially autistic grownups who love kids' TV like me, about to experience negativity and mental health problems from watching algorithm-led, CGI-fuelled, loud TV for their age. CBBC is forcing the kids to absorb all their new content which is entirely American, very mature, totally raised by the means of volume and extremely not suitable. Remember Big Fat Like? Uh huh, it's more suited for Adult Swim than CBBC.

Anyway, all these kids which are abducted and taken away are a representation of our children - from the moment I read about Cocomelon and its high energy nature, I have found out that kids stay glued to the screen when fast paced shows, say, the aforementioned Cocomelon, or Wish, or Home, or a Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sitcom or TV movie or special with hyperactive actors playing screaming teen characters who care less about the mess real teens experience today, they take it all in like CBBC's ultra annoying American cartoon Spongebob, which I find will be much better on Nick than on that stupid channel.

Too much of screen time with fast paced, loud shows and films like these cause dopamine loops or adrenaline spikes in kids young and old, causing lack of attention, violent outbursts and tantrums and much more which come with what you see here. Parents, are you reading this?

THE PARENTS. Oh god, all these parents...fearing for their childrens' lives, screaming to come back as they are swooped away to get used as juice boxes for the 456...parents of a British reality, I don't want you overreacting the same way when your kids start having tantrums due to too much Paw Patrol or Peppa Pig. Or CBBC. I almost forgot. They represent YOU.

YOU.

You you you you you you you you.

And how you fear for your kids and what they are watching on TV these days.

Instead, you should let them start watching the classics, because they are all slow paced, low-stimulating and comforting for attention, observation and growing intelligence in your kids. Examples include: Percy The Park Keeper, Spot The Dog, Little Bear, Franklin, Oswald, Titch, Postman Pat (the classic series), Gran, Bertha, Charlie Chalk, Jackanory Junior and, my personal favourite, Kipper The Dog. That, my parental matriarchal patriarchal friends, is proper parenting. No, you can't expose them to loud CGI shows that have the Paw Patrol Effect.

And last, but not least:

The 456. Its representation? Quite accurate to what broadcasters want on our tellies today. It's a bird like alien monster who has three exact heads: its first head represents the broadcasters themselves, which are using American cartoons and loud garbage to save money and shy away from the creativity that people like Anne Wood honed in the days when there was no financial ruin. Its second is obvious: ALGORITHM. Major streaming services and video posting websites are using this to control what kids watch instead of proper human-lead bosses and rule makers, which is why we get the same AI-generated garbage and endless nursery rhyme and Elsagate videos which I think you parents won't want your children to watch. GROSS! And its third head? It's probably the most terrifying of all, and I don't want your kids reading this too, because it will keep them up at night forever and ever amen. The third head represents...

...The horror of endless sequels and remakes, which major studios and streaming services used to shy away from standing up to the heart and soul of America. It explains why Cartoon Network channels all around the world have no variety and keep showing Teen Titans Go and Gumball (more like Teen Titans No and Crummyball). It explains why Nick keeps cancelling majorly awaited non-sitcom series. It explains why Disney Channel keeps focusing on Big City Greens forever. And it also explains why preschool channels like Nick Jr and Disney Junior have all been dominated by less beautifully crafted shows and more by loud, fast paced CGI. And it's not fair!

And would you want algorithms, companies and fast paced entertainment to dominate your kids' lives? The answer is:

NO!

We shouldn't also trust Jack and Gwen, because they're the representation of the rise of what people call 'AI slop' back in 2025. AI is making our children experience more dopamine loops and adrenaline spikes than any marathon of Peppa Pig or Cocomelon put together.

So parents, if you're reading this, use Children Of Earth as a cautionary example about the dangers of exposing your kids to the horrors of modern day kids' TV. It's sick when you think about it, isn't it? *nods* Yeah, I know.

But if you expose children to classics instead of noisy modern content, including your favourite shows from childhood, you're dusting off your favourites from the Attic Of Goodness - somewhere the army and the 456 cannot reach.

Do it for your children.

Do it for your own sanity.

And of course, do it for my sake...

....Please?

Hearts & Hugs (DVD Collection)

• Bluey - Smoochy Kiss

• He Man (2002) - Out Of The Past

• Transformers Armada - Carnival

• Max Steel (2000) - Shadows

• Teletubbies - Carnival

• Sooty (2001) - The New Gang

• Thunderbirds - Move & You’re Dead

• Maisy - Atchoo

• Kipper - Cousins

• Fireball XL5 - The Last Of The Zanadus

• Stingray - Loch Ness Monster

• Primal - Rage Of The Ape Men

• What’s New Scooby Doo - The Vampire Strikes Back

• Brats Of The Lost Nebula - Mom & Dad

• Digimon - Ogremon’s Honor

• Boobah - Comfy Armchair

• Pokemon - The Joy Of Pokemon

• Dragon Ball Z - Power Of The Spirit

• Doctor Who - The Long Game

• Buck Rogers - Happy Birthday, Buck

• Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy - Ep.5

• Animals Of Farthing Wood - Home Is Where The Heart Is

• Timon & Pumbaa - Scent Of The South

Brum & Davenport Are Friends

Story Game - A Snow Day!

It's time for a story game! Since I'm not going out, now's the time for Furaha and Orko to have a cosy snow day as well...but this time, YOU'RE in charge! Okay, I promise I won't be too loud this time, but still:

1: It's snowing outside! What kind of toothpaste would Furaha and Orko use to wake them up?

A: Pokemon Toothpaste

B: Bluey Toothpaste

C: Barbie Toothpaste

D: Winnie The Pooh Toothpaste

Mmm, interesting.

2: What would they like for breakfast today?

A: Pancakes with bacon and eggs

B: Air fryer cheese sarnies

C: A huge bowl of cornflakes

D: Sausage rolls, because...why not?

Well, I think you're guessing well.

3: What board game shall they play with their parents Kiburi and Ua?

A: Lion King Board Game

B: Bluey Scavenger Hunt

C: The Logo Board Game

D: The Best Of British

Good game!

4: One of their friends calls them outside to play in the snow! Who do you think it is?

A: Little Ghoul

B: Gatomon

C: Jetfire

D: Timon, Pumbaa, Tip & Dash

Perfect!

5: What game would they play in the snow today?

A: Snowball fight

B: Snow angels

C: Making snowmen

D: Build a snow fort

Cold, but exciting.

6: Time to go in! What cartoon should they watch?

A: Transformers Armada

B: Franklin

C: Guess How Much I Love You

D: Kipper

7: And what kind of cocoa would they have?

A: Plain

B: With marshmallows

C: With Lucky Charms marshmallows

D: With chocolate biscuits on the side

How cosy.

8: And finally, it's time for bed. What kind of pyjamas would our two friends wear?

A: Lion King pyjamas

B: Waffle The Wonder Dog pyjamas

C: My Little Pony pyjamas

D: Disney Princess pyjamas