When Career Dreamer Says I Want To Be A Search Engine Optimization Expert

The Second Coming, Explained (The Balamory Invasion)

ROCKO: G'day mates, I'm Rocko, and I'm going to tell you about the new season of Balamory. Balamory is the true beginning of the end of CBeebies. It starts with all of CBeebies' old characters being thrown in prizz!

BRUM: What about the sinners that are left behind?

ROCKO: Well, Brum, they get to witness the second coming...of Miss Hoolie!

*Both gasp*

BRUM: Miss Hoolie is coming back? NO!

ROCKO: It's worse - Miss Hoolie is coming back for BALAMORY!

A seven-year war where Miss Hoolie and her soldiers battle all the classic characters the nation has cherished over the years. All leading up to a final showdown between Miss Hoolie and the very first characters to appear on CBeebies: the Teletubbies!

BRUM: Oh, that's great! But...who in the name of Big Town is going to win?

ROCKO: No one ever knows. There are however ten classic preschool shows from the '90s and '00s you can watch from the BBC: Teletubbies Everywhere, Bob The Builder, the original Teletubbies, Tweenies, Bill & Ben, Andy Pandy, Muffin The Mule, Fireman Sam, Postman Pat and Pingu.

Once we wipe Miss Hoolie from the face of the Earth, we will save British kids' TV from an Americanised fate!

BRUM: Wahey! And hopefully save the real Big Cook Little Cook too?

ROCKO: Erm...maybe.

How Therapy Went On...

My Therapy Session Went A Little Like This...

The Petal Garden Incident (Bill & Ben)

If you grew up in the UK during the early 2000s, chances are you caught an episode or two of Bill & Ben, the Cosgrove Hall-produced reboot of the 1950s classic. With its soft clay animation and endearingly gibberish-speaking flowerpot men, it was a staple of Children’s BBC—later CBeebies—for kids just beginning to form memories. But there’s one episode you’ve never seen. Not on TV, not online, and certainly not mentioned in official BBC archives. Internally at Cosgrove Hall, it had a name: The Petal Garden Incident.

According to ex-staff at Cosgrove Hall, the episode was the result of an internal experiment—one not meant for broadcast. The studio was experimenting with abstract, subconscious imagery and horror concepts for a new adult anthology series. Someone, allegedly a writer named "Stuart N.", jokingly pitched the idea of “Bill and Ben in purgatory,” playing off the idea that their garden world was too peaceful, too isolated.

The animators, under heavy production schedules and perhaps looking to blow off steam, decided to use the Bill & Ben models as a mockup for a psychological horror concept—never intended to be aired. But something went wrong. Very wrong. The footage was mistakenly catalogued as a rough cut for the actual show and included in early distribution reels for overseas broadcasters. The BBC caught it before airing, but test viewers in Norway and Japan were not so lucky.

The intro begins as usual. The tinkling music plays. The flowers sway. You hear the gentle narration: “Bill and Ben… the Flowerpot Men.” But in this version, something’s off.

The music is slower. Dragged out. Like it’s melting. The sky looks darker. There’s a sound—very faint at first—of a baby wailing. As the intro continues, the wailing grows louder. Sharper. Soon it’s not a baby at all, but a guttural, demonic moan. The flowers twist unnaturally toward the screen. The screen flashes with violent cuts—frames of something unrecognizable. Blood? Raw meat? A hospital room?

Then the colors invert. The entire screen floods with a deep, arterial red. The music cuts. All that’s left is the sound of panting. Not from Bill or Ben—but from something alive.

Without a title card, we cut to the garden—only it’s dim, suffocatingly grey. Bill and Ben are strapped to a crude wooden table, their clay arms tied with rough twine. Their mouths are sealed. No “flobbadob.”

Weed is standing over them. She doesn’t speak, but her leaves twitch in a rhythmic pattern—signalling, commanding. Pry the magpie flies in first, landing on Ben's chest. Then Boo, Whoops, Scamper, and finally Slowcoach arrive, surrounding the helpless flowerpot men.

They begin pulling. Slowly at first, then with increasing force. Bill’s left arm is yanked off, revealing not clay—but flesh. A squirming, bloodied human baby arm. The others work in sync, peeling away the clay skin until, lying on the table where Bill and Ben once were, are two writhing, shrieking real human babies. Their eyes blink open—and they look straight at the camera.

The scene cuts without warning to real-life footage. The ocean. Grey, stormy waves slamming against jagged rocks. Then, a cliffside. Handheld footage now. A baby, perhaps nine months old, crawls on all fours toward the edge of the cliff. There are no adult voices—just the sound of distant seagulls, and the wind.

Then the baby falls.

There is no music. Just a piercing scream—female, primal. The camera shakes violently, and the screen cuts to static.

We return to the garden one last time. The clay aesthetic is back—but it’s cruder. Bill and Ben, now baby-sized versions of themselves, sit huddled in the mud. They look up and smile weakly.

Then, from the cracks in the ground, come ants. Hundreds. Thousands. With sharp, exaggerated mandibles. They swarm the baby versions of Bill and Ben. There’s no screaming—just the quiet crunch of consumption. Clay limbs twitch, dissolve. The ants consume everything.

Fade to black.

The BBC never aired the episode. After a catastrophic test screening with an internal panel—including parents, psychologists, and executives—the footage was flagged and officially locked in the BBC’s content vault. Some even say it was physically destroyed.

But copies had already leaked. A Norwegian children's block aired it once by mistake before pulling the episode mid-broadcast. In Japan, it aired in full during an overnight block meant for preschoolers, prompting multiple complaints and a quiet apology from NHK. The episode became known in international broadcaster logs as “B&B-RedRend01”.

After the incident, Cosgrove Hall quietly dismantled the original Bill & Ben production team. When the BBC commissioned them again, it was to focus on simpler, gentler reboots. Their next task? A reboot of Andy Pandy—released in 2002 with muted pastels and slow, meditative pacing. There were no more experiments. No more “adult horror mockups.”

They never mentioned The Petal Garden Incident again.

But sometimes… when watching Bill & Ben reruns on old VHS tapes, the screen flickers red for just a single frame.

Your Birth Month - Your CBBC Or CBeebies Classic

January - Teletubbies February - Blue Peter March - Tweenies April - Basil Brush May - Fimbles June - Tracy Beaker July - Bill & Ben August - Andy Pandy September - Ace Lightning October - Scream Street November - Strange Hill High December - Bob The Builder

The Tender Debut Of Thunderbirds (Short Film Script)

FADE IN:

INT. QUIET CANADIAN COUNTRYSIDE. SUNRISE.

The whole place is silent and still, covered by a blanket of thick snow.

OPENING TITLE: “THE TENDER DEBUT OF THUNDERBIRDS”

TITLE FADE OUT:

SONG: “THUNDERBIRDS’ TENDER DEBUT”

A gentle, tender lullaby tune.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LADY PENELOPE’S COTTAGE - BEDROOM. MORNING.

A pair of puppet arms move into frame and draw open the curtains, revealing tender sunlight in the room. REVEAL

LADY PENELOPE

Gazing out at the snowy meadow proudly. We hear her singing softly:

LADY PENELOPE

WHEN THUNDERBIRDS PREMIERED ON BBC KIDS
THE SKY WAS YELLOW AND PINK

DISSOLVE:

We see Lady Penelope sitting at her desk writing a letter to someone, though we don’t know who it is yet.

LADY PENELOPE
I WOKE UP TO THE SNOW FALLING OUTSIDE
AND IT GAVE ME MORE TIME TO THINK

DISSOLVE:

A PURPLE BACKGROUND WITH YELLOW STARS

We PAN ACROSS a line of smiling, familiar faces with stars in their eyes: the Teletubbies, Thomas The Tank Engine, Bill & Ben, Monty The Dog, the Tweenies, Binka, the Fourth Doctor (from Doctor Who), Alan, Brains, Tin Tin and the Animals Of Farthing Wood: Fox, Badger, Weasel and Mole.

LADY PENELOPE
TIME TO THINK OF ALL THESE SHOWS
WHETHER FOR OLD OR YOUNG

The characters fade out as 6 year old Sarah, Penelope’s daughter, appears, smiling at us warmly.

LADY PENELOPE

BUT MOST OF ALL, I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU

AND HOW YOU ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE FUN

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LADY PENELOPE’S COTTAGE - BEDROOM. MORNING.

As Lady Penelope is writing her letter, she hears excited giggling nearby. She looks over at where the giggling is coming from, and is surprised to see

SARAH

Jumping up and down on her bed. Lady Penelope walks up to her, holds out her arms and catches her just as she falls into her soft embrace. Both of them laugh happily.

DISSOLVE:

INT. LADY PENELOPE’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER.

Lady Penelope is getting her daughter dressed for a Winter’s day out - she’s wrapped up in a comfy bundle of Winter clothing, not too thick, fat or tight. She wraps a scarf around her neck as Parker gets his Winter boots on in the background.

At last, with everyone ready and in their Winter clothes, Parker opens the door and lets Lady Penelope and her daughter through.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LADY PENELOPE’S HOUSE. DAY.

Parker sets off into town in Fab-1, with Lady Penelope and Sarah riding in the back.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CANADIAN TOWN. DAY.

A peaceful, sleepy town shrouded in Winter snow, but lit up warmly by fairy lights strung from house to house. As Fab-1 drives across the streets, Lady Penelope and Sarah look up at the wonderful lights strung up above them, shining onto them. The song resumes:

LADY PENELOPE

THE STREETS WERE STRUNG WITH FAIRY LIGHTS
THE SNOW WAS SPARKLING LIKE NEW

INT. COSY CAFE - MINUTES LATER. DAY.

Lady Penelope, Parker and Sarah are sitting at a big, round table with the Teletubbies, the Fourth Doctor, Fox, Badger, Weasel, the Tweenies, Monty, William (from William’s Wish Wellingtons), Thomas, Percy, Sam and Max, waiting for their hot cocoa and chatting away. A friendly waiter brings them a tray of hot mugs of warm cocoa, each coloured like the person it’s being served to, and the show they star in.

LADY PENELOPE

THERE WERE MUGS OF HOT COCOA ON EACH TRAY,

AND MOST OF ALL, I HAD YOU

Everyone begins drinking their hot chocolate. The Teletubbies’ cocoa is pink because they drink Tubby Custard, while Fox and Badger lap up their own hot chocolate, animal like. Monty downs all his hot chocolate in one go, and…

MONTY

BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPP!!

Everyone laughs over his tremendous burp, to which Monty bows in response, as if finishing off a big show.

LADY PENELOPE & SARAH

Drink their hot cocoa and remove their mugs to reveal they have hot chocolate moustaches, which they lick off. They giggle, and nose-kiss gently.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LADY PENELOPE’S HOUSE - BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Sarah, dressed in her cosy pyjamas, bounces on the bed she shares with Lady Penelope, laughing loudly. Lady Penelope enters the room and giggles at her daughter’s antics, and as she falls over onto her back, she giggles and shuffles under the covers. Lady Penelope tucks her in and kisses her on the cheek. Now, Lady Penelope’s offscreen singing almost feels like she’s about to cry:

LADY PENELOPE

MY EYES WOULD SPARKLE WITH TENDER TEARS
JUST TO THINK OF YOU

Lady Penelope settles into bed next to Sarah, switches off the light and falls fast asleep, safe and warm and tucked up beside her daughter.

LADY PENELOPE

FOR WHEN I THINK OF BBC KIDS,

YOU ALWAYS THINK OF ME TOO.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LADY PENELOPE’S HOUSE - NIGHT.

Everything is now very quiet and peaceful.

LADY PENELOPE
FOR WHEN I THINK OF BBC KIDS,

YOU ALWAYS THINK OF ME TOO.

PAN UP:

THE NIGHT SKY

The dark craters on the full moon have formed the old BBC Kids logo.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END.

The Biscuit Ballad - Short Film Script

FADE IN:

A BLURRED KITCHEN BACKGROUND

OPENING TITLE: “THE BISCUIT BALLAD”

Monty is heard CHOMPING and CHEWING, as a bite is taken out of one of the ellipsis points in one ‘I’ in the word ‘Biscuit’, which turns into a chocolate biscuit.

TITLE FADE OUT.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BBC KIDS HEADQUARTERS - KITCHEN. DAY.

A beautiful red, yellow and blue kitchen. On the counter is a large biscuit tin with the BBC Kids logo on it. We hear: a door creaking as it slowly opens.

MONTY THE DOG

Opens the door slowly a crack and sees the biscuit tin. He tiptoes towards the kitchen counter and looks up at what’s above. He sees

ANGLE - THE BISCUIT TIN

Shining in the sunlight.

CLOSE - MONTY’S EYES

His pupils slowly turn into love hearts.

MONTY

Gets out a violin and begins playing, leading us to:

SONG: “THE BISCUIT BALLAD”

MATCH DISSOLVE:

A PINK BACKGROUND WITH RED LOVE HEARTS

As Monty plays his violin, he begins singing:

MONTY

OH BISCUITS, I LOVE YOU
YOUR SWEET CHOCOLATE TASTE

Monty throws his violin out of frame and floats towards a large heart shaped chocolate biscuit, floating around it like a lovestruck moon in orbit until taking a huge bite out of it.

MONTY

YOUR CHEWY CRUNCHY HEART

WON’T GO TO WASTE

FLASHBACK:

INT. SPROTT FAMILY KITCHEN - YEARS AGO. DAY.

The whole flashback is monochrome coloured. A cute, adorable puppy version of Monty sits at the table banging his cutlery, excitedly waiting for his meal - until the hand of Mrs Sprott enters frame with a bowl of nutritiously meaty dog food. Dog food? Yeurch! Monty is disgusted and pushes it away.

MONTY

SOME PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS MEAT

BUT I DON’T LIKE THAT STUFF

POP! The flashback bursts into a puff of smoke, revealing again:

THE PINK BACKGROUND PATTERNED WITH RED LOVE HEARTS

Monty leaps across a stepping stone trail of chocolate biscuits, followed by Tango the dog (from Binka), Mole (from The Animals Of Farthing Wood), Boo the hedgehog (from Bill & Ben) and Flamingo (from Yoho Ahoy).

MONTY

I JUST LOVE YOU, CHOCOLATE BISCUITS,

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS ENOUGH

The biscuits suddenly fall out of frame, and Tango, Mole, Boo and Flamingo fall out of frame.

CLOSE - MONTY’S EYES

Opening wide. He moves back to reveal himself against the background mentioned earlier, and he floats against the background trying to catch chocolate biscuits in a red beach bucket as they fall past frame, like a rainstorm. Monty catches some biscuits in his mouth, and the biscuits pile up inside his neck, cartoon-like, followed by Monty swallowing them down.

The rest of the instrumental is Mole, Tango, Boo and Flamingo dancing to the romantic tune, until, near to the end of it, pink cake cream floods the screen, leading us to the second verse:

MONTY

I ALSO LOVE CAKE, ITS CREAMY LAYER

Monty pops up in the creamy mess and licks all the cream off. He then licks some bits of cream off the screen, leading us to:

A LIVE ACTION CHOCOLATE CAKE BACKGROUND.

Monty glides past frame, chomping each and every cake slice, ala Pac-Man.

MONTY

AND ITS CHEWY, CHOCOLATEY YUM

Once the background is chewed up, it’s revealed to be a

FUTURISTIC NEON BLUE BACKGROUND

Six optional buttons appear on screen: one featuring a strawberry, one featuring a chocolate bar, one featuring a lemon, one featuring an orange, one featuring a slice of birthday cake and one featuring some cherries. Monty’s paw pops into frame and presses the birthday cake one, which takes up the entire screen.

MATCH DISSOLVE:

A YELLOW BACKGROUND

Confetti falls all around Monty as he wears a party hat and holds an entire vanilla flavoured birthday cake with white icing in his paws. He licks his lips and bites into the cake, causing vanilla icing to fly all over the screen.

MONTY

SOME CAKES COME IN ALL FLAVOURS

AND THEY’RE BETTER THAN CHEWING GUM

Monty licks the cream off the screen.

FLASHBACK:

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

Puppy Monty waits eagerly for his dinner, until Mrs Sprott’s hand comes into frame with a bowl full of raw steak. He takes a bite out of it, and spits it out - YUCK!

MONTY

SOME PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS MEAT

BUT I DON’T LIKE THAT STUFF

POP! The background explodes, and we see Monty playing his violin against the pink love heart background again, spinning slowly round and round, ala an anime boyfriend playing an instrument.

MONTY

I JUST LOVE YOU, CHOCOLATE BISCUITS,

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS ENOUGH.

Monty throws the violin out of frame.

MATCH DISSOLVE:

INT. BBC KIDS HEADQUARTERS - KITCHEN. DAY.

Monty jumps up and grabs the biscuit tin. He opens the lid and sees a whole variety of cakes and biscuits inside, causing his mouth to water with delight.

MONTY

OH BBC KIDS BISCUIT TIN,

YOU’RE VERY SO HOT AND SWEET

AND RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO GRAB YOU

AND LOOK FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!

Monty takes a chocolate biscuit from the jar, and is just about to eat it when…

THE FOURTH DOCTOR

(O.S.)

Ahe-ahem!

Monty spins around to see

THE FOURTH DOCTOR

From Doctor Who, cooking some sausages in a frying pan on the stove.

THE FOURTH DOCTOR

I suppose you don’t want any dinner then, Monty. What a pity, because I have made some sausages for everyone today.

MONTY

Bring it on!

Monty places the biscuit tin back onto the counter and races up to the Fourth Doctor, who places a bowl full of well cooked sausages on the floor. Monty digs in, chuckling to himself heartily:

MONTY

Good old Fourth Doctor.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END.