Orko's Night Out

This London pub was unusually very quiet on that Sunday night, and was so tranquil that not a single yell of ‘Chug! Chug! Chug!” could be heard.

Orko was sitting in the pub taking a drink of beer. He was drinking over the fact that He Man abused him back on Eternia, and now he’s safe on Earth, he still has painful memories of it here. His eyes were open so wide they were growing colder by the minute. Every sip felt like a fiery dragon’s breath on his unforeseeable tongue, gums and throat in his mouth and neck, and when he had finished, Orko smashed his beer glass onto the floor, as he wobbled while floating out of the pub, occasionally bumping into things and accidentally knocking beer bottles and glasses onto the floor.

While flying out of the pub, he crashed onto the ground, with the sounds of police sirens wailing and a dog barking in the background. And do you know what he did next? He puked. First, he puked out thick, grimy Trollan vomit for what seemed like forever. Then he stopped. Then he did it again. Then he stopped. Then he managed to vomit in an extremely violent way, making him fall to the ground. He crawled through the puddle of his own smelly Trollan vomit and dragged himself wearily along the streets.

While in the middle of the street, he saw a fountain. He sat on the edge, and looked at his pure, clean reflection. It was so pure and innocent, that for a moment Orko didn’t notice his yellow eyes had turned red and bloodshot. He also didn’t notice his cloak had been covered with his own vomit. He had been caked in his own smelly upbringings, so it was time he needed a wash. He took off his robe and threw it into the fountain, then magicked some soap and a brush and washed off all the vomit. Then with another hint of magic, he snapped his fingers and his vomit-covered purple scarf turned into a nice, soft, fresh clean one.

Still with his robe off, Orko took a London bus, which has no passengers at all for some reason, all the way to an empty beach. He didn’t know it, but being out here in the warm moonlight in the quiet atmosphere of the beach made him feel like he was connected to nature. For a while, he sat on the warm sand, gazing out to sea, feeling the cool breeze on his soft blue skin.

Then suddenly, as if out of the blue, he began to yawn. He felt awfully tired after his long night out, so he snuggled onto the soft sand and fell asleep happily, knowing he was safe among the natural beauty of the world. As the sun rose over the sea, Orko kept on sleeping, with only the song of the waves filling his pointy ears…

A Day With Otis & Konnie

“Would, you, BELIEVE IT!” screamed the newest Blue Peter presenter Konnie after the day she was coronated as the next Blue Peter presenter. She was talking to Mabel, the Blue Peter dog, who was cute because of her different coloured eyes. “My first show was absolutely bonkers! I met the presenters and oh my god, I can’t wait to see what life is like at Children’s BBC.” But then, her face fell. “Ooh,” she sighed, “I think they’re all not real.”

“Or are we?” said a voice right next to her. Konnie turned around and gasped in shock. There, right in front of her, was Otis the Aardvark! “Otis? Oh wow, you are real!” gasped Konnie. “Real as can ever be,” laughed Otis, “Now, why are you in the normal BBC studio? Is Blue Peter aimed for adults now?” “No,” replied Konnie, “I’m just excited about meeting new people. I just…don’t know where to start yet.” “Well come with me,” said Otis, “I want to show you the Children’s BBC studios!”

Without a moment’s thought, Otis took Konnie’s hand and led her along the corridor to a bright yellow door marked ‘Children’s BBC’. Mabel followed. When Otis opened the door, Konnie’s jaw dropped. There in front of her was a whole black and yellow set with various Children’s BBC characters playing and having fun. “Hello, everyone!” called Otis, “I would like you to meet Konnie!” “Hi Konnie!” everyone called. “Konnie, would you care to introduce yourself to everyone?”

At once, Konnie didn’t feel one bit shy. First, she introduced herself to the Teletubbies - Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Po - and their vacuum nursemaid Noo Noo. She loved when Po did karate moves as a way of expressing her excitement, and Tinky Winky’s simple attitude made her laugh. She then went on to say hello to Postman Pat and his cat Jess. Since Jess spoke in low meows, Pat offered Konnie the chance to stroke Jess’ fluffy fur. “And don’t you know her fur will be straight should Jess be revived for TV?” asked Pat. “Mmmmmm…maybe,” said Konnie.

Next, she introduced herself to Fireman Sam. She questioned him whether everyone in his town, Pontypandy, sounded Welsh or not. “Some of us do,” said Sam, “I think maybe Penny’s the only one who comes from London.” “Then does Norman come from the depths of Hell?” asked Konnie. This sent everyone laughing, before Konnie went on to introduce himself to Pingu. Because of seasons 3 and 4, Pingu had to communicate through sign language, as he was the only hope of teaching deaf children how to communicate with loved ones. Konnie, surprisingly enough, knew BSL all too well. Pingu was taught BSL the moment season 3 of his show premiered.

But the moment she introduced herself to Noddy and Tessie Bear, two things happened: first, Mabel knocked Noddy to the ground and licked his face, causing Tessie to giggle. “Why are your eyes all weird?” asked Noddy. “Don’t worry, Noddy, she has heterochromia so her eyes are coloured-”

“WOAH!”

SMACK!

“Hahahahahahahahahaha!”

And that was final. Martha Monkey’s banana peel had sent Konnie to hospital.

When Konnie woke up in the hospital, she had no idea of where she is, yet she somehow had bandages around her head. She groaned for a little bit and asked “What happened? What happened to me? WHERE AM I?!” But there was no response. Until Otis arrived with a bunch of flowers and tried comically to place them into a vase, which brightened Konnie’s mood a little.

“I see you’re a little tied up with amnesia at the moment…or at least, that’s what the doctor told me.” explained Otis. “Is it permanent?” “No, it’s supposed to last a whole week. They told me that on Monday, your brain will clear and you will have a fresh mind again.” “Oh my god, thanks very much, Otis,” Konnie said, feeling much better already. However, poor Konnie didn’t remember anything about the next Blue Peter show. It was too much for her. She thought she knew everything about Blue Peter. Now it just bled from her mind like a knowledge-filled ooze. Konnie put her hands over her face and began to cry. “Don’t worry, my friend, we can plan it out together!”

Konnie and Otis spent the entirety of Konnie’s hospital stay talking about plans for Blue Peter, which Konnie had to write down on a piece of paper in case she forgot.

And by the time they removed the bandages on Monday, Konnie’s amnesia was fully gone. When she returned to the studio, Mr Plod had to scold Martha Monkey for using her stock of bananas to play such a horrid trick. Meanwhile, Konnie was waiting for her next Blue Peter show.

“Cheer me on, will you, Otis?” she asked as Otis left the control room. Otis nodded, but not before Martha Monkey ran in with a banana, which she gave to Konnie out of kindness. “Thanks,” said Konnie, taking the banana out of its peel and throwing it onto the floor.

Ah-aaaaaaaaaaaah, we know what’s going to happen to Martha Monkey next, don’t we?

SLIP!

“OUCH!”

Stripe The Alcoholic

It seems like you guys know me all too well enough to start this story. You may know me as Uncle Stripe, the loving yet wild uncle of Bluey and father to Muffin. I wasn’t always this way, you know…

Back in Cunningham College, I was aged 21, and I was an annoying puppydog who always got on the nerves of my fellow roommate, Bandit, who would often see my behaviour as ‘raucous’ and ‘rude’. On one such day, I was in my dorm while Bandit was playing his video game, drinking an endless bottle of scotch. Endless you say? Nah mate, more like 17 ounces of scotch.

When Bandit noticed my drinking habits, he said: “Are you sure you want to drink all that scotch?” I replied; “Yeah, why not? Who cares if it’s not good for your health? Tastes of butter.” “Butter you say? More like an elephant who has peed in the butter.”

Then, I felt it. My fingers twitched, I felt my eyelid twitching, and then, I whooped and yelled out, “WHO CARES, YOU MORON!” Drinking the scotch wildly, I cried out, “WAHEY! Nobody ever drinks like I do! Woohoo! Yeah!”

It was at that moment that the telephone rang. Bandit went to answer it whilst I did a crazy little jig near my bed. He was talking to our mum about how college life was going, Charlene’s new trapper keeper and Pat’s reluctant urge to join the pizza and drinks club every evening.

Then, he smelt it. He turned around and saw what he could not believe. I had peed all over the floor! “Oh, man,” said Bandit, “This place stinks now! Out I say!” “But what about…” I whimpered, but I said “GO! Geez, this is going to take me ages to clean the place up. Sorry, mum, you were saying?”

Outside my dorm I stumbled across the hallway, my eyes now blurry and my vision just simple shapes with little bubbles popping all around it. In a daze, I smashed my scotch bottle against the wall, and stabbed my hand through one of the shards, causing it to bleed. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” I cried, and I hung onto the billboard for safe keeping. Unaware that there was an Alcoholics Anonymous poster on the board, I hung onto it for dear life, only for it to rip to shreds and for me to fall down.

For the rest of the night, I just lay there. Booze and glass shards were everywhere.

And now, sir, you see my bandaged hand? I got it from when I was taken to hospital. It was a painful operation, but the doctors convinced me not to drink anymore. Concerned?

“Mmmm, interesting story.” (That’s the voice of the newsagent seller)

Thus, I have learned to drink other things apart from booze and scotch from now on. Anyway, I’d like a carton of orange juice and a packet of ready salted crisps, please.

“Here you go, sir, that’ll be £9.”

I have just the money for it.

“Thank you.”

Hoo roo!

“And you tell Trixie I said hello!”

It’s g’day!