Oi-oi! I’m Brum!
Back in the ‘90s, when Children’s BBC wasn’t heavily focused on the internet, Henry’s Cat, Chris Rabbit, Spot, Lars, Lena, Peeps, Rude Dog and I had this lovely young lady looking after us. Her name was Miranda, and she was very nice to all of us, no matter what we went through.
When Henry’s Cat suddenly adopted that horrifying mixed media format, Miranda pampered him when he was traumatised and gave him lots of extra food - enough to feed a king! She always cheered us on whenever we had a turn at airing on the telly - and I’m telling ya, we’re much better than the boring old news, what mums and dads watch on the telly every day.
Oh, I wish Miranda were there to protect us from my grown up years as a horrid hero. Even more horrid than a certain horrid boy named Henry.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
But kids, you know why Miranda was there for us, even when we had to change? I’ll break every single teensy tiny bit down, step by step, so you don’t get your knickers in a twist.
You see, my first two seasons were such a blast, and Miranda was there to congratulate me whenever a new episode of these wonderful adventures aired on the telly. Much better than the news, I tell you, it’s really boring. She would always pat my bonnet, feeling so proud of me, and Henry’s Cat, Chris Rabbit and Spot would run up to me and hug and cheer me wildly, saying I can be as creative as I want as long as I remain 3.
But then, in 2001, I was forced to grow up to appeal to a global market. Everyone I thought I had known - Granny Slippers and such and such - teased me and bullied me on the set, saying I was too much of a toddler to be a superhero. That’s why Miranda was there for me - she would hug me and say that even though Paul Leather was horrid to me, everyone during the Stratford era was a lot nicer.
…even Miss Lollipop, she always knew what to do. And Jabari, and Liam, and Miss PC Bluelight, even though she threatened to beat me with her truncheon if I was naughty…sorry, I think I need a second.
Alright, I’ve had my cry, now where was I?
Oh yeah!
Henry’s Cat suffered the same fate before my show’s tone even changed in 2001. When his stories were extended for 15 long and boring minutes, Bob Godfrey began being mean and horrid to him - how, you’re asking me? Well, the following explanation will shock you to the core.
Henry’s Cat’s stories were not just extended to 15 long, boring minutes, but also the animation which was meant to take up the entire series had to cut a little roomie for live action clips and stock photos and footage, which looked like something out of one of Bob Godfrey’s naughty naughty short films.
But luckily, Miranda was there for him and Chris Rabbit whenever censors began to accuse him of plagiarism or they used characters like a certain mouse without permission. His name begins with M and ends in Y, you know the one I’m talking about. She showed him that no matter what Bob Godfrey does to his friends, or his adventures, adventures which last 5 minutes are way better - and we’re already down to the second to last page!
And as for Spot, he underwent many changes. When Eric Thompson told his stories, they were like a hug to small kids who were traumatised by the adult content they saw on TV, showing harmless situations relatable to their everyday lives. But as the years went on, a few things happened: Disney made him an American disguised as Simba, then in the early 2000’s, he came back with a female narrator and his stories had to be redubbed, and finally he had specials which used - gulp - a full voice cast! How scary is that?!
But Miranda was there for him as well. She told him that no matter how they change him, he’ll always remain the same as he did in the ‘80s - a reassuring, comforting figure to traumatised preschoolers who need a hug from the BBC’s lineup for little kids.
But me? Since Miranda left during CBeebies’ launch, Spot was there for me, but I was left to fend for myself. It’s unfair. Totally, utterly, completely unfair. Not only were my heroic adventures more recognised than my classic, slow paced adventures in the ‘90s, but the newer decades were unsafe for me. WildBrain turned me CGI, then BBC iPlayer labelled me as woke but luckily I escaped from jail when the police saw my ‘90s adventures and labelled me as innocent despite me having to pick up the soap in the shower. Eeeeurgh!
Oh, Miranda. I wish you were here. You’d know what to do. Speaking of which, I wish Miss Lollipop were here. Everyone in town gave grounded advice in the ‘90s.
Now, no one doesn’t. It’s not fair!
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