A Review Of Chute: The Sickest, Most Disgusting CBBC Classic In The World!

Eeeew! This is the word I describe when forced to talk about this show in one word. Chute is a horrific, revolting show that was like CBBC's prediction that Off The Air was going to air on Adult Swim a few years later, and yet, when I saw Dick & Dom and The Muppets on there, inside my mind I felt like I was about to faint. I am not watching this show again - if a clip from Thunderbirds or any other Gerry Anderson show is on there, God help us all!

And I rank this show 0 out of 10 VHS tapes.

The State Of CBBC

It began, with two sis-

No wait, the Wonderland.

And I don’t mean Jody In Wonderland, or Alice Through The Looking Glass by Disney, I meant…Almost Never.

And it’s horrid lab scientist of a children’s channel, CBBC.

Ever since using that awful show as a box set experiment, I do believe CBBC was disintegrating in British content for kids ever since that day. And when CBeebies did the same with Moon & Me, they were scraping the Queen’s pennies too. And as 2019 progressed, the days got worse and worse.

CBBC began to heavily promote their box sets on weekdays when kids were still in school, doing maths and art and science and what have you, and this horrendous menace of a channel was conducting its own experiment. The experiment’s name was:

“Would kids watch iPlayer if we ran marathons every single day, all morning, just to draw kids’ attention?”

It worked. And it wasn’t pretty.

Soon, during the stupid pandemic, more and more people started watching iPlayer more than ever, so CBBC started using their presenters to scream at their viewers to watching iPlayer day in day out. Or is it, day in day in? I need to consult an agent.

Anyway, not only that, but like most distraught companies, CBBC lost all their money because the pandemic swiped it all away like a bank robber. As a result, they embraced two of the worst words in the English dictionary besides no:

“Creatively bankrupt.”

Do these words sound horrifying to you? Feel free to scream now.

CBBC crumbled to pieces after these two words embraced the company like a cobra about to eat its prey. Not only were Hacker and the presenters constantly shouting at us to watch iPlayer even when shows are on, but they were bumping their shows they usually repeat onto the naughty step to show the worst kind of shows any truly British channel had ever aired…

Foreign cartoons.

With regional accents!

No, not regional accents. AMERICAN ACCENTS.

Feel free to panic now.

So not only did they show a variety of horrid American cartoons from Cartoon Network, but they also showed two of the most annoying cartoons in the world, Spongebob and Teen Titans Go, and they started airing anime when they weren’t supposed to!

What is wrong with the employees?! CBBC isn’t a global peace conference, it’s a place where kids and grown ups can enjoy quality British made educational programming together - charming original dramas based on award winning novels by authors like Jacqueline Wilson, and what did we get instead these days?

“True friends will help you remember who you rea-

NO SCRATCH THAT WATCH IPLAYER!”

That’s overstimulation and hard sell advertising talking. CBBC had embraced it so much they act like they hate British people, and it isn’t fair. Queen and country need to be supported, both for the kids and for the grown ups too.

And since when was the last time you saw my favourite shows, Strange Hill High and Scream Street airing on the channel every day?

Never. Not in a million years.

And look, I think lots of parents are stupendously worried about Spongebob and the Teen Titans on CBBC.

One: Spongebob might take over CBBC the same way Nicktoons constantly aired it instead of a variety of classic and new Nicktoons, and

Two: Teen Titans Go might take over the channel the same way it took over Cartoon Network in America, leading to copiously awful 365-day amounts of screen time.

Remember that Thanksgiving marathon? It was painful, and lots of American viewers were very angry.

Instead of all this overstimulating, drab rubbish, we must ask CBBC to embrace king and country like they did before this whole iPlayer thing started. Creative bankruptcy doesn’t count. Streaming doesn’t count. Money doesn’t count either. What matters most is we all need to pitch in, hold each others’ hands and tell the BBC to make more British programmes for British kids.

Co productions.

There’s no such thing.

And I’m glad I said that.

The Joke They Forgot To Put In The Scream Street Joke Book

Q: What is a zombie's favourite Saturday show?

A: Alive & Kicking!

Move Along, Nothing Special

It is an absolute OUTRAGE! CBBC, CBeebies and Channel 4 are at least trying to play their part in Autism Awareness Day, but with the rise of the streaming era, why? Why can't they even do something special for Autism Awareness Day?

First, let's start with CBeebies. They premiered Pablo only a few years ago, back in 2017, so there's nothing wrong with that. And CBBC has done - you guessed it - nothing special, focusing only on loud, overstimulating imports rather than a special kind of lineup. Listen here, you guys, if you want to do something special, then try and take those tips from me, right?

For Autism Awareness Day, you guys could all abandon your loud, noisy programmes and instead show classic programmes, like some of the ones up above - except Bluey and Hey Duggee, because the characters act too wild and crazy. You could air shows like the above mentioned original Teletubbies, Little Bear, Bob The Builder, Pingu, Postman Pat, even Series 1 and 2 of Brum. But no, you have to keep up with the times. The BBC hates retro programming.

And what about you, CBBC, hmm? How far have you come with such an abomination of shows so far?! I mean, doing only one autism-related show in the form of My Life isn't fair, what about your entire lineup? Don't you even care about anyone else other than yourselves and your tummy-tum-tums?! There's loads of lazy people at the controls pigging out on crisps due to all the money the BBC lost, and because of that, you're not focusing on British kids with autism!

To make things better, you could've at least aired some calm classic kids' shows like Byker Grove or Narnia or Grange Hill or even Strange Hill High and Scream Street for that matter, but noooo, you don't care about the needs and preferences of every child with autism. You are disrespectful and rude, which is why CBBC might've yanked you off the air for good and always, so stop telling the autistic children of the UK to shut up and do something else, do something useful, just for once, PLEASE?!

And Channel 4 isn't proving useful either. I mean, they have made a police drama made by a crew of autistic people, which is good. But why? Why haven't they made their channel and all their programmes autism friendly too, just for this day? I mean they could've aired their old kids' shows, for instance: The Hoobs, Cubeez, Angela Anaconda, the Clangers, The Magic Roundabout - but:

*WRONG Panel Buzzer Noise*

They just couldn't. They don't have the money to do it. Neither does CBBC, CBeebies or ITV. All they do is spend their money and time on miserable programmes and imports from America rather than something special for the day.

Now listen here, Ofcom, if you're going to let autism-friendly British kids' TV die down, I suggest we all strike back and do what's right for autistic people and what they watch all across the UK!

WHO'S WITH ME?!

"Me me me!"

"I do, I DO!"

Make A Trigger Box

Come to think of it, reading and watching Scream Street three years from today can be really painful due to horrible memories of how annoying CBBC is, but there's a way to store all those horrible triggers away and never let them out - Pandora's Box! Or, even better, a Trigger Box. You will need:

• A large plastic box
• Some stickers of your choosing
• The things that give you certain triggers like books or DVDs
• Duct tape

1. Get out the plastic box and make sure nothing else is in it.
2. Then, dump every single book and DVD that triggers you into the box.
3. Seal the box by closing it with its lid and sealing it with pitch black duct tape
4. Decorate the box with stickers of your choosing - it could be any kind of stickers you like. To me, I'd choose Disney (as long as they're not dorky CGI princesses), Bluey, Sanrio and Pokemon...and maybe even Lion King, My Little Pony, Barbie, or anything else on my palette.

And there you have, a box which seals up all your triggers - quite literally - and keeps them safe from being pulled out again, in case you have any bad things going on in your mind. However, just like some random Greek lord said to Pandora: don't you dare even open the box, or some nasty things can come out.

So don't be like Pandora, but inside other boxes, you can find light - things that cannot trigger your mind to say things you can't even say out loud. Figure you can do that?

Cool!

A Torchwood Analogy

"We are coming."

What the hecking heck was that?! That's a traumatising sci-fi series talking if you ask me, because the BBC didn't give a flying raspberry about what our kids are watching these days. Let's reframe what the possessed kids are actually saying:

"We are being overstimulated by fast changing scenes, rapid flashing lights and loud actors and voices."

So with that said, it goes that I have a new analogy connecting episode five of this disturbing series to what CBBC is up to these days. Let's break it down with the four key elements that are a part of episode 5 of Torchwood's Children Of Earth:

THE ARMY. The army, my dear friends, represents the horror that is CBBC. In the episode, the army takes the children away to have their chemicals fed to the 456. The 456 represents one word: algorithm, which controls programming rather than human curators. With more kids switching to Youtube and streaming, I think the army is a representation of the loud American content kids are forced to take in instead of all this beautiful hand crafted happiness kids of the last few decades experienced.

THE KIDNAPPED KIDS. They represent traumatised viewers, especially autistic grownups who love kids' TV like me, about to experience negativity and mental health problems from watching algorithm-led, CGI-fuelled, loud TV for their age. CBBC is forcing the kids to absorb all their new content which is entirely American, very mature, totally raised by the means of volume and extremely not suitable. Remember Big Fat Like? Uh huh, it's more suited for Adult Swim than CBBC.

Anyway, all these kids which are abducted and taken away are a representation of our children - from the moment I read about Cocomelon and its high energy nature, I have found out that kids stay glued to the screen when fast paced shows, say, the aforementioned Cocomelon, or Wish, or Home, or a Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sitcom or TV movie or special with hyperactive actors playing screaming teen characters who care less about the mess real teens experience today, they take it all in like CBBC's ultra annoying American cartoon Spongebob, which I find will be much better on Nick than on that stupid channel.

Too much of screen time with fast paced, loud shows and films like these cause dopamine loops or adrenaline spikes in kids young and old, causing lack of attention, violent outbursts and tantrums and much more which come with what you see here. Parents, are you reading this?

THE PARENTS. Oh god, all these parents...fearing for their childrens' lives, screaming to come back as they are swooped away to get used as juice boxes for the 456...parents of a British reality, I don't want you overreacting the same way when your kids start having tantrums due to too much Paw Patrol or Peppa Pig. Or CBBC. I almost forgot. They represent YOU.

YOU.

You you you you you you you you.

And how you fear for your kids and what they are watching on TV these days.

Instead, you should let them start watching the classics, because they are all slow paced, low-stimulating and comforting for attention, observation and growing intelligence in your kids. Examples include: Percy The Park Keeper, Spot The Dog, Little Bear, Franklin, Oswald, Titch, Postman Pat (the classic series), Gran, Bertha, Charlie Chalk, Jackanory Junior and, my personal favourite, Kipper The Dog. That, my parental matriarchal patriarchal friends, is proper parenting. No, you can't expose them to loud CGI shows that have the Paw Patrol Effect.

And last, but not least:

The 456. Its representation? Quite accurate to what broadcasters want on our tellies today. It's a bird like alien monster who has three exact heads: its first head represents the broadcasters themselves, which are using American cartoons and loud garbage to save money and shy away from the creativity that people like Anne Wood honed in the days when there was no financial ruin. Its second is obvious: ALGORITHM. Major streaming services and video posting websites are using this to control what kids watch instead of proper human-lead bosses and rule makers, which is why we get the same AI-generated garbage and endless nursery rhyme and Elsagate videos which I think you parents won't want your children to watch. GROSS! And its third head? It's probably the most terrifying of all, and I don't want your kids reading this too, because it will keep them up at night forever and ever amen. The third head represents...

...The horror of endless sequels and remakes, which major studios and streaming services used to shy away from standing up to the heart and soul of America. It explains why Cartoon Network channels all around the world have no variety and keep showing Teen Titans Go and Gumball (more like Teen Titans No and Crummyball). It explains why Nick keeps cancelling majorly awaited non-sitcom series. It explains why Disney Channel keeps focusing on Big City Greens forever. And it also explains why preschool channels like Nick Jr and Disney Junior have all been dominated by less beautifully crafted shows and more by loud, fast paced CGI. And it's not fair!

And would you want algorithms, companies and fast paced entertainment to dominate your kids' lives? The answer is:

NO!

We shouldn't also trust Jack and Gwen, because they're the representation of the rise of what people call 'AI slop' back in 2025. AI is making our children experience more dopamine loops and adrenaline spikes than any marathon of Peppa Pig or Cocomelon put together.

So parents, if you're reading this, use Children Of Earth as a cautionary example about the dangers of exposing your kids to the horrors of modern day kids' TV. It's sick when you think about it, isn't it? *nods* Yeah, I know.

But if you expose children to classics instead of noisy modern content, including your favourite shows from childhood, you're dusting off your favourites from the Attic Of Goodness - somewhere the army and the 456 cannot reach.

Do it for your children.

Do it for your own sanity.

And of course, do it for my sake...

....Please?

Commander Shore's Message About My New Stingray Comic Anthology

COMMANDER SHORE: Attention all WASP agents! I have some disturbing news about our friend's new Stingray comic anthology.

ATLANTA: Father, what's that?

COMMANDER SHORE: All of the comic strips in our book, which is available on Forbidden Planet's website, are good, even one which has a style similar to Raymond Briggs' stories.

PHONES: (in a low voice) Except When The Wind Blows.

COMMANDER SHORE: But here's the bad news.....THERE ARE NO BLEEDIN' INTERESTING BITS UNLIKE THOSE THUNDERBIRDS BOOKS!!!

(All the WASP agents gasp in horror)

COMMANDER SHORE: Why does International Rescue get to do anything they want? I mean, they got all the riches, the jewels, the cash, that stemmed from being as popular as those stupid Korean demon hunters that premiered on Netflix last year. Even Lady Penelope's in on all the fun - not forgetting Parker, or her daughter - but us? We just sit around doing nothing!

ATLANTA: Now, father, don't go ranting on about International Rescue, you know things got even worse when Tracy Beaker's mentioning of the group got televised in 2021 - after all these stressing programmes.

PHONES: Yeah! Down with CBBC!

TROY: Wait - where's Marina?

COMMANDER SHORE: Oh. Er...well, she's gone into her room to cuddle Oink.

PHONES: And fantasise about the sea?

COMMANDER SHORE: Well, Oink is Marina's son.

NTBS Newsflash Comics - Spongebob

Nothing To Wine About - A Sherlock Penelope File

Spy mission log:

So Tailmon, Agumon and I were at a wild party at Club Rainbow, and we were so partied out we might've had the time to take a little break. However, we noticed Chippy leaving with Cherry and followed her to see what was going on - and to our shock, we found a drowned tramp!

The next morning, I told my mummy, Sherlock Penelope, everything, and she went to the hospital to find out why the tramp had drowned in the river. I was disturbed by the sight of bloody bandages all over the victim's faces, but still, it wasn't something to worry about, not even the massive hooks holding meat.

While on our way to the harbour we met a homeless girl named Judo, who had an actual baby puppy in her pram alongside a bottle of stale wine. She said she used the stale wine to get wasted even though she was only six years old. Then we met local fisherman Maynard, who lived with his wife and his baby son. I had a good time helping them sort out the fish and cook them for their tea, but Penelope was wondering if Maynard was taking spy agents in for slavery.

Later, we reported all this to S.P.Y 'Quarters, and were assigned to search an abandoned pharmacist for clues since the tramp worked at the pharmacist years before he drowned. It was old, dusty and whitewashed from ceiling to floor, but then Lady Penelope had to grab me and drag me out of here since a huge rain of asbestos fell from the ceiling. Once we reported what we found back to Jeff Tracy, head of S.P.Y 'Quarters, we went home since the working day was over.

After a long, warm bath and a nourishing dinner, we went to sleep in our soft, cosy bed...however, Sherlock Penelope was having a hallucogenic dream about stale wine and the hallucinations it can give you. And they were pretty terrifying indeed! Sherlock Penelope woke up screaming and sick, and had to vomit for almost 2 hours before Parker could call an ambulance and take her to hospital. It was up to me to solve the case alone.

First I went to meet Mrs Tibble and the Tibble Twins, who were constantly fighting over which toy was theirs', or, who got to pet the baby budgies first. While they went to the old vehicle museum, Mrs Tibble explained to me that things haven't been the same since CBBC got Americanised by the government, who wanted programmes which aren't of the relaxing British source people wanted. This is also the result of too much airtime of Malory Towers on there, and CBBC turned it into a loud American sitcom, which took up too much airtime on the channel, like the cartoons on there, the same way Teen Titans Go took up all the schedule time on Cartoon Network every, single, day. And let me tell you the bad news: CBBC is slowly becoming a Boomerang/Pop ripoff, and they might even get the voiceover from Boomerang and Pop to do continuity announcements - in an American accent! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I was so shocked that I ran out of the house crying.

I then went to the locomotive museum and saw all of Gerry Anderson's hand made vehicles on display - the Thunderbirds, Stingray, Fireball XL5, Gabriel...everything. Then I met Agent G.B. (or Ginger, from Chicken Run), who explained to me that Americanisation of British kids' TV wasn't my fault. We had a long talk about how the kids' TV industry was slowly turning to the American side thanks to too many budget cuts, and how PBS Kids will be shutting down soon. Upset by this news, I hugged Agent G.B. out of dispair.

American kids need less brainrot more than ever, and it was a generation that was trusted by parents and beloved by children in America for years and years and years. It has been around ever since I was born. And CBBC hasn't progressed well too. When CITV vanished in 2023, the trouble started. Don't you prefer the days when there were good shows instead of bad, cheap American cartoons?

Ditch the Americanisation.

Go British.

Bluey's Unicorse & Bob Bilby Phone Wallpapers

Aaaaaaaaand why should I care?! More rough than Hacker and Dodge, more cuddly than a Hoob, it's Unicorse! And always the one to go on adventures, it's Bob Bilby! Because Bluey and all her friends and family believe that toy puppets like Unicorse and Bob Bilby are real people too, the Bluey website has uploaded some wallpapers of these two rambunctious puppets to brighten your phone!

https://www.bluey.tv/make/unicorse-and-bob-bilby-phone-wallpapers/

Things I Hate

SuperSurvey

Adventures On The Beeb - Hammock

Parker, Penelope and I love relaxing.

Traitors

PANEL 1:

INT. HEELER HOUSEHOLD - LIVING ROOM. DAY.

Bandit and Chilli are sitting on the sofa next to each other. Chilli is reading a beauty magazine, while Bandit is brushing the hair of one of Bluey's dolls.

BANDIT

Why of all things did we get put into a CBeebies Instagram post as 'Traitors'?

CHILLI

The Traitors is the only thing trending on the BBC these days, they incorporate it into everything - radio, television, online, iPlayer....

PANEL 2:

Bandit jumps up and yells in Chilli's face, while Chilli shrinks back smiling nervously:

BANDIT

(loudly)

DO YOU DARE TO MENTION THE DREADED I WORD?!

CHILLI

(nervously)

Well, iPlayer and toons are the only things CBBC focuses on these days, so....

Luke, Resus & Cleo's Letters - Bottled Up Conspiracy Theories

Hey Sybil,

Whoa, that's... a lot to take in. I know things can get tough sometimes, but you’ve been through it and come out the other side, so that’s something to be proud of! As for Danger Mouse—well, I think every show’s got its own style, and not everyone’s gonna love it. But hey, as long as it doesn’t involve actual murder!

I’m not so sure about the whole conspiracy thing with CBBC though. Sure, TV changes over time, and we might not always like it, but I don't think it’s about brainwashing or anything like that. It’s just different. Maybe try focusing on the stuff you enjoy now instead of the things that bring back bad memories?

And by the way, don’t keep stuff like this bottled up. We’re all here for you, even if we don’t agree on everything!

Catch you later, Luke

---

Resus’ Response:

Hey Sybil,

Oof, that was quite a rollercoaster of a letter. The thought of Danger Mouse being part of some sinister plot is a bit... wild, don’t you think? Though I do appreciate a good bit of drama, that kind of intense stuff sounds more like a vampire novel than reality.

I get that you're still dealing with some tough memories, but like Luke said, you’ve survived, and that’s something seriously worth celebrating. You’re stronger than you think. As for CBBC, it's cool to have your opinions, but let’s not dive too deep into the conspiracy pool—it can be murky down there.

And don’t let all that “woke” stuff get to you. Diversity and justice aren’t bad things, really. In fact, the world’s more interesting when we all get along, right?

Stay spooky, Resus

---

Cleo’s Response:

Dear Sybil,

Oh my Ra, that’s some heavy stuff you’re carrying. I’m really glad you’re regulating your emotions now and finding healthier ways to express yourself. You’ve been through some dark times, but look at you—still standing strong!

As for what you said about Danger Mouse and Professor Squawkencluck, well, that's quite a dramatic take! But maybe it's best to leave that sort of stuff in fiction. Real-life relationships and shows aren’t that extreme (well, usually). And about CBBC, I understand if certain memories make things feel tough, but TV shows don’t have as much power over us as we might think. It’s just a channel, after all.

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s always good to talk about it. Remember, you’re not alone in how you feel.

Take care, Cleo

A Letter From Luella - Earworms

Dear Sybil,

Oh, please—you think an orange, stripey version of my earworm wiggled its way into your brain overnight? How flattering! Though if I were behind it, I’d have made sure it was far more diabolical than a bouncy song about family trees. Still, I suppose there’s a certain evil charm in watching you suffer through Tigger’s family reunion. He’s far too chipper for my taste, but I do admire his persistence.

You’re truly brave if you think watching more Pooh-centric films will rid your mind of that wretched tune. Although I must say, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh does have its nostalgic charms—just enough to make even someone like me crack a faint smile. But Christopher Robin? Really? What’s next, you’re going to start collecting antique honey pots and crying over stuffed bears? Pitiful.

Ah, yes—TV Guide Magazine’s 60 Greatest Cartoons. I’ve seen the list, and it’s a complete farce! No He-Man? Disgraceful! But what can you expect from people who put a lightning-rod rodent like Pikachu ahead of true heroes? And don’t even get me started on Arthur. I’ve had more terrifying days at the dentist.

And don’t remind me of that blonde-haired monstrosity She-Ra. What a waste of valuable screen time. As for CBBC, well... British, sure, but let’s not kid ourselves, Sybil. CBBC is merely a temporary distraction for the masses. Now, if it aired shows featuring more dark magic and creepy creatures, then we’d be onto something.

Now, don’t get too cozy with your precious Pooh films. I might just send another little surprise your way. You never know when I’m feeling inspired.

Yours mischievously, Luella