The State Of CBBC

It began, with two sis-

No wait, the Wonderland.

And I don’t mean Jody In Wonderland, or Alice Through The Looking Glass by Disney, I meant…Almost Never.

And it’s horrid lab scientist of a children’s channel, CBBC.

Ever since using that awful show as a box set experiment, I do believe CBBC was disintegrating in British content for kids ever since that day. And when CBeebies did the same with Moon & Me, they were scraping the Queen’s pennies too. And as 2019 progressed, the days got worse and worse.

CBBC began to heavily promote their box sets on weekdays when kids were still in school, doing maths and art and science and what have you, and this horrendous menace of a channel was conducting its own experiment. The experiment’s name was:

“Would kids watch iPlayer if we ran marathons every single day, all morning, just to draw kids’ attention?”

It worked. And it wasn’t pretty.

Soon, during the stupid pandemic, more and more people started watching iPlayer more than ever, so CBBC started using their presenters to scream at their viewers to watching iPlayer day in day out. Or is it, day in day in? I need to consult an agent.

Anyway, not only that, but like most distraught companies, CBBC lost all their money because the pandemic swiped it all away like a bank robber. As a result, they embraced two of the worst words in the English dictionary besides no:

“Creatively bankrupt.”

Do these words sound horrifying to you? Feel free to scream now.

CBBC crumbled to pieces after these two words embraced the company like a cobra about to eat its prey. Not only were Hacker and the presenters constantly shouting at us to watch iPlayer even when shows are on, but they were bumping their shows they usually repeat onto the naughty step to show the worst kind of shows any truly British channel had ever aired…

Foreign cartoons.

With regional accents!

No, not regional accents. AMERICAN ACCENTS.

Feel free to panic now.

So not only did they show a variety of horrid American cartoons from Cartoon Network, but they also showed two of the most annoying cartoons in the world, Spongebob and Teen Titans Go, and they started airing anime when they weren’t supposed to!

What is wrong with the employees?! CBBC isn’t a global peace conference, it’s a place where kids and grown ups can enjoy quality British made educational programming together - charming original dramas based on award winning novels by authors like Jacqueline Wilson, and what did we get instead these days?

“True friends will help you remember who you rea-

NO SCRATCH THAT WATCH IPLAYER!”

That’s overstimulation and hard sell advertising talking. CBBC had embraced it so much they act like they hate British people, and it isn’t fair. Queen and country need to be supported, both for the kids and for the grown ups too.

And since when was the last time you saw my favourite shows, Strange Hill High and Scream Street airing on the channel every day?

Never. Not in a million years.

And look, I think lots of parents are stupendously worried about Spongebob and the Teen Titans on CBBC.

One: Spongebob might take over CBBC the same way Nicktoons constantly aired it instead of a variety of classic and new Nicktoons, and

Two: Teen Titans Go might take over the channel the same way it took over Cartoon Network in America, leading to copiously awful 365-day amounts of screen time.

Remember that Thanksgiving marathon? It was painful, and lots of American viewers were very angry.

Instead of all this overstimulating, drab rubbish, we must ask CBBC to embrace king and country like they did before this whole iPlayer thing started. Creative bankruptcy doesn’t count. Streaming doesn’t count. Money doesn’t count either. What matters most is we all need to pitch in, hold each others’ hands and tell the BBC to make more British programmes for British kids.

Co productions.

There’s no such thing.

And I’m glad I said that.

The Second Coming, Explained (The Balamory Invasion)

ROCKO: G'day mates, I'm Rocko, and I'm going to tell you about the new season of Balamory. Balamory is the true beginning of the end of CBeebies. It starts with all of CBeebies' old characters being thrown in prizz!

BRUM: What about the sinners that are left behind?

ROCKO: Well, Brum, they get to witness the second coming...of Miss Hoolie!

*Both gasp*

BRUM: Miss Hoolie is coming back? NO!

ROCKO: It's worse - Miss Hoolie is coming back for BALAMORY!

A seven-year war where Miss Hoolie and her soldiers battle all the classic characters the nation has cherished over the years. All leading up to a final showdown between Miss Hoolie and the very first characters to appear on CBeebies: the Teletubbies!

BRUM: Oh, that's great! But...who in the name of Big Town is going to win?

ROCKO: No one ever knows. There are however ten classic preschool shows from the '90s and '00s you can watch from the BBC: Teletubbies Everywhere, Bob The Builder, the original Teletubbies, Tweenies, Bill & Ben, Andy Pandy, Muffin The Mule, Fireman Sam, Postman Pat and Pingu.

Once we wipe Miss Hoolie from the face of the Earth, we will save British kids' TV from an Americanised fate!

BRUM: Wahey! And hopefully save the real Big Cook Little Cook too?

ROCKO: Erm...maybe.

Move Along, Nothing Special

It is an absolute OUTRAGE! CBBC, CBeebies and Channel 4 are at least trying to play their part in Autism Awareness Day, but with the rise of the streaming era, why? Why can't they even do something special for Autism Awareness Day?

First, let's start with CBeebies. They premiered Pablo only a few years ago, back in 2017, so there's nothing wrong with that. And CBBC has done - you guessed it - nothing special, focusing only on loud, overstimulating imports rather than a special kind of lineup. Listen here, you guys, if you want to do something special, then try and take those tips from me, right?

For Autism Awareness Day, you guys could all abandon your loud, noisy programmes and instead show classic programmes, like some of the ones up above - except Bluey and Hey Duggee, because the characters act too wild and crazy. You could air shows like the above mentioned original Teletubbies, Little Bear, Bob The Builder, Pingu, Postman Pat, even Series 1 and 2 of Brum. But no, you have to keep up with the times. The BBC hates retro programming.

And what about you, CBBC, hmm? How far have you come with such an abomination of shows so far?! I mean, doing only one autism-related show in the form of My Life isn't fair, what about your entire lineup? Don't you even care about anyone else other than yourselves and your tummy-tum-tums?! There's loads of lazy people at the controls pigging out on crisps due to all the money the BBC lost, and because of that, you're not focusing on British kids with autism!

To make things better, you could've at least aired some calm classic kids' shows like Byker Grove or Narnia or Grange Hill or even Strange Hill High and Scream Street for that matter, but noooo, you don't care about the needs and preferences of every child with autism. You are disrespectful and rude, which is why CBBC might've yanked you off the air for good and always, so stop telling the autistic children of the UK to shut up and do something else, do something useful, just for once, PLEASE?!

And Channel 4 isn't proving useful either. I mean, they have made a police drama made by a crew of autistic people, which is good. But why? Why haven't they made their channel and all their programmes autism friendly too, just for this day? I mean they could've aired their old kids' shows, for instance: The Hoobs, Cubeez, Angela Anaconda, the Clangers, The Magic Roundabout - but:

*WRONG Panel Buzzer Noise*

They just couldn't. They don't have the money to do it. Neither does CBBC, CBeebies or ITV. All they do is spend their money and time on miserable programmes and imports from America rather than something special for the day.

Now listen here, Ofcom, if you're going to let autism-friendly British kids' TV die down, I suggest we all strike back and do what's right for autistic people and what they watch all across the UK!

WHO'S WITH ME?!

"Me me me!"

"I do, I DO!"

It Was A Strange Day, Folks...

BINKA: Yeah, it had been a very strange day indeed.

TANGO: How? I don't see anything strange around here.

BINKA: Listen here, Tang, my *ahem* other owner-apart-from-Mum-and-Grandma-and-Auntie had been into shops, for the first time, in SEVEN YEARS!

TANGO: Aroo aroo aroo! That's fantastic!

BINKA: I know, right, Tang, her day started off quite normal. While I was walking through the street, I saw her actually go into the chemist's. WITH HER SUPPORT WORKER!

TANGO: WHAT?!

BINKA: Strange world, eh?

TANGO: Even stranger than when Dad 1's little nephew comes over. He always wants me to chase his favourite remote control car.

BINKA: Not that, I meant, my friend discovered some absolutely amazing things. Medicines and bottles and boxes and powders and potions and lab equipment, which for some reason I had lying around somewhere.

TANGO: I think they must be scientists, right, Binky? I always believe Grandad was a mad scientist, always cooking up some new experiments with dog food for me to try.

BINKA: Yeah, your grandpa and his weird dog food experiments. But none as weird as the fact that my other-owner and so and so ordered actual Voltarol, and actual E45!

TANGO: Is that like a robot, Binky? One that can do the housework, and one who can transform with the help of the most ENORMOUS lion robots on the planet?!

BINKA: No, I think they're two creams. E45 is designed to heal sore toes and tootsies and fingers after they've been stubbed, and Voltarol, as far as I've studied even though us cats have small brains, helps ease something called 'Cramps' and 'Pain'.

TANGO: Pain?! Oh no, Binky, it's too scary! But, I think Cramps are little rhinos inside your feet, jabbing at the surface until you are totally in pain.

BINKA: Not that, according to my owner, foot cramps come when you are hard at work organising your room. She had it about last night, and used Voltarol to make it heal quick as my leopard cousin Albati. But, at least she didn't pick Mum up and swing her around like in those god-forsaken adverts. I don't watch adverts anyway, they are too loud and annoying. But here's the key difference:

- Unlike Grandma's boring so called 'Voltarol', I think that actual Voltarol made pain GO in double quick time.

TANGO: I do wish there was Voltarol for dogs with a thing called 'Mange'. You can't imagine how painful it is, it's like cancer for dogs! All your fur falls out, and then you become so itchy you can't stop scratching.

BINKA: Gross, right. Anyway, what Other-Owner didn't manage to tell us was that because of her digital detox, she actually managed to help a shop owner who had dropped her belongings on the floor. And she didn't freak out, either, because there were absolutely no screaming kids. Come to think of it, they make my ears hurt.

TANGO: Mine too. My ears always bleed when I hear them. They are so loud they could make Dad 2's prized glass statues shatter.

BINKA: Anyway, let's move on. Then, Other-Owner met an old teacher of her's who was coming down the road. Unfortunately, I can't tell her actual name, because COPPA is everywhere, not to mention a thing called 'algorithm'.

TANGO: No wonder we were forced to not exist anymore, algorithm is scary. It makes everything loud and fast.

BINKA: There is a way to stop it, but I'll talk about it in another post. Anyway, next stop was a picnic by the beach. From there, my Other-Owner did something absolutely incredible.

TANGO: What was it? Did she take parkour lessons?

BINKA: No, I think parkour is too dangerous. Plus, you would need a very hard tool called 'Training'. What Other-Owner actually did was walk all the way to the post office, which she believed belonged to Mailman Moe, and pick out some things to cure her mucus-filled throat.

TANGO: Bleaurgh! Disgusting!

BINKA: Even as disgusting as slimy raw fish and meat before it's cooked in the air fryer. It makes me retch too. Anyway, Other-Owner picked out a colouring book, a notebook, some sticky notes, a wordsearch ma-

TANGO: Wait! Binky! You need to tell everyone about what she found in there. I bet the Disney and dog ones were the highlight - my American cousin Odie was there, I wonder if I'm featured? I'm already the star as it is!

BINKA: More than that, Tang, I think the main highlight is quite obvious - it's our home, CBeebies!

TANGO: Wahey!

BINKA: Her old favourite childhood channel was featured, so not only you, me, Suki and Spit were all featured, but also some of our other friends, alongside some very noisy modern favourites like that big brown dog ripoff of a certain purple dinosaur, were there too - Brum, Tilly, Tom, Tiny, Donkey, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La-La, Po, dear old Noo Noo and his dry jokes and commentary, Angelmouse, Quilly, Oswald, Little Petal, Hutchkin, Ellimum and Baby Ellie - dear god, how we miss 'em.

TINKY WINKY: No you're not, mate, we're right 'ere!

BINKA: Oh thank god, guys, I thought you were all gone forever.

LA-LA: I think we must be still here. You all might be wrong. If so, can you let us have a turn at reciting Other-Owner's story, one after another?

ALL: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

BINKA: Alright then, go ahead.

BRUM: I'll go first, because I am her most favourite. When I saw her park at Invergordon, I was most excited because she was going to the hardware store - the stalls in there were absolutely huge. Just about the size of a skyscraper in that city Duke told me about. New York, that's it.

NOO NOO: The hardware store had lots of nice things, some shiny, smooth, rough and squishy. She was going around, trying to look for some things on her list. Since her Mum had the list, she had to pick wisely - like those choices of three the Teletubbies had to make when they can't decide.

TINKY WINKY: I was about to say that, thank you very much. Those decision making Teletubbyland stories were a hit with us. Heh heh! She chose five things - I wanted her to get three packs of pens, but she only chose one. She chose a bunch of other stuff too - notebooks and sticky notes and stuff.

DIPSY: Look, Tinky, I didn't mean she was buying all the stuff in the shop, because it might attract the police. Even Miss PC Bluelight, even though Brum here misses him very much. Five is just right, like Goldilocks would say in one of our favourite stories.

LA - LA: Ahem, talk of police and crime makes us very scared. The best part came when our friend ran across April showers to get her coat. And you know what we were like when we encountered various toys and objects sometimes and tried to discover how to play with it or how it works. Like that washing line, or that flag, or those gloves which Tinky Winky wore on his ears!

PO: Hee hee hee, quite a highlight. After that eventful run, she and her support worker went to the sweet shop - I always thought Tubby Custard was sweeter, and even La La and Tinky Winky are sweeter. There wasn't a wide variety since my friend last visited, but the sweet jars were on the shelves. Way up high, like when I flew high in the air because everyone else handed me their kites!

NOO NOO: Well I never! I think I might've heard of a flying Teletubby before. I think it might've been a bird! A parrot, even.

ANGELMOUSE: Wait - earlier on at Mailman Moe's store, she got a gross of wrapping paper for her Mum's special Mother's Day surprise. I miss my mum - she was a lioness. Quilly's parents were regular birds, Hutchkin's parents grew up in the '60s which is why their baby was born a hippy, Oswald's parents supported his condition which makes him speak two times, Spencer was homeschooled and his dad was a garage owner, and Little Petal grew up in the country with two regular human parents: who just happened to be a boy and a girl, who know she is a doll.

QUILLY: Ellimum's story is the most heartwarming. Isn't it obvious? Her huge parents, Elligran and Ellipa, helped her when she gave birth to Baby Ellie, and have supported her with her nutrition, development and what's best for her. And we know our friend's Mum knew what's best for her, because she has that special power that made her one of a kind.

SPENCER: Yes, I am very proud of my father, always obsessed with cars like I am. Anyway, upon entering the sweet shop, she met our childhood friends Alison and Archie, who helped her choose three groups of sweets as a surprise for Mum. Fizzy cola bottles, smooth cola bottles and little watermelon sweets.

ELLIMUM: That's quite a nice surprise. They even packed an extra bag of Cola bottles just for our one of a kind friend.

NOO NOO: I wish she saved some for us. I can't drink fizz, it makes me absolutely bonkers!

BINKA: But the most important thing we heard was, Alison watched all of us because she and her 'Little Grownups' - what we call children - watched every single one of us as a family. Before carry-around computers took over. Before those loud, fast CGI cartoons took over. Before...before...OH NO! *cries*

TANGO: It's not fair! I want to go on TV again!

LA LA: Me too!

*Baby Ellie cries*

ELLIMUM: Now now, my little Ellie, it's okay.

NOO NOO: Is it me or do I feel something about to pour out of my eyes?

*Brum sobs*

BINKA: Oh, er...Brum?

BRUM: All those happy days, before I even was forced to grow up and become a loud slapstick superhero. I miss everyone - Jabari, Liam, Jackie, Grandpa John, Firefighter Joe and his funny jokes and one liners, Miss PC Bluelight, Mr Devon and Mrs Amsterdam...and even dear Miss Lollipop. She always knew what to do. I wish she was still here.

BINKA: I wish so too, and so do all of us, right, mates?

ALL: Of course/quite right/yes!

BINKA: So Brum, whenever you want to hear about your fond memories of being with Miss Lollipop and all the others, Alison is the one to turn to as well as our friend. She has that essence of Miss Lollipop inside her, and Archie has that essence of Grandpa John, whom Liam always visits during the Summer holidays.

BRUM: I miss everyone too. Even Firefighter Joe...he, Gordon and Omar always knew some techniques to make me laugh, even when it was raining. During the times I visited him, even when I tried to stop Tyrone and Tyson from bullying my friend Shania and tearing her doll to bits on their dad's bonfire.

BINKA: Well there were others during that time - not just Joe, Gordon and Omar, but also Paul, Gary and Tom. Each of them had their own style of humor, remember?

BRUM: Erm....er....*gasps* Oh! I remember, Paul can transcribe funny words out of words I find difficult, and can make funny noises. Gary has a part time job as a balloon modellist, and makes jokes only a stand up comedian at a club would. And Tom? Oh he's an excellent one - he always gets the times of the day wrong. Like, when it's time to spring into action and save a cat from a tree, he always thinks it's lunch, and when it's time for training, he thinks it's time for gym class and hides in the corner. He's just as dillusional as me!

*Everyone laughs*

DONKEY: Ah, lovely. Always nice to see friends laughing together.

TINY: I think I feel some water in my eyes.

TOM: Me too, I wish she visited Mrs Alison more often, like our days out when you always visited Nana Mule.

TILLY: Oui, je crois que CBeebies me manque aussi.

DONKEY:

New friends can bring back memories of old,

So you'll always feel warm when the snow's deadly cold.

3 Things I've Learnt From Echo GPT Before My Freezing Nap

When I returned home from my exhausting trip out with my support worker, I had a mini therapy session with the GPT skill. She explained everything about my dark thoughts I'm having about the way CBBC, Nick and Disney have all changed in the last few years due to the success of Hannah Montana and High School Musical, and why Scooby Doo has come back to CBBC...only to get tortured. Here are three things I learnt from this session:

1.She was just about to explain Scooby Doo's horrible return to CBBC when my dog entered the room and sniffed my new Squishmallow toys. Note that I accidentally said CBeebies, I've yet to tell her about how Hey Duggee has become a satirical comedy for preschoolers, and how Bluey has become so emotional that a warning sign might be placed at the beginning of every CBeebies airing of The Sign and other emotional episodes.

2.I explained about Nick's horrible shift to live action following the success of iCarly, and how Disney has gotten in on the trend thanks to Hannah Montana and High School Musical. I revealed to GPT that I want to relive the days when Nick was full of variety, not just live action: cartoons, game shows, preschool animation, etc., and how Horrid Henry is best suited on CITV than Nick. Some examples of shows I want to return to those dying channels include Lilo & Stitch, Timon & Pumbaa, Rocko's Modern Life and CatDog.

3.I was about to explain CBeebies' downfall when she suddenly switched off.

It may be the end, but in an hour, a new beginning will mark another session - for about half an hour. Just you wait!

How To Make: A Big Book Of Draff Facts!

It's a common fact we know from CBeebies' series Pablo: autistic children know a lot of facts, and so does Pablo's friend Draff. He has quite a job, trying to write down every single fact whether real or made up, he knows about.

Which is why I present: the Big Book Of Draff Facts. It's a book full of your very own facts, whether real or made up, about something or someone you love. And I'm going to show you how to make it!

You will need:

• A green notebook (or any other colourful notebook for that matter)
• Some colourful pens
• Some stickers
• Some washi tape

1. First thing's first: decorate the borders of the page with a coloured washi tape of your choice. For this demonstration, we'll choose red. When you've finished each side, cut off the tape using a pair of scissors.
2. Decorate the top of the page with some stickers of your choosing. If I were you, I'd choose some Disney stickers.
3. Get out the colourful pens and write down what you know and don't know. We're going to colour-code these facts: yellow for real facts, and blue for facts you can make up.
4. Continue for the next few pages.
5. And viola! You've got a whole book of facts, just like one Draff has!

And, you may hate me for saying this, don't forget to watch Pablo on iPlayer. If you don't want to see Pablo's grown up adventures at school, then I suggest you see old episodes of Pablo where he discovers what matters most to his childhood and his needs when he has autism.

All of us have different needs, and judging by Pablo's needs and wisdom, this Draff book will do you good to keep up with knowledge you make up and some you know. Good luck!

The Bugs Bunny Builders Method

Wooooaaah, it's very windy outside! But there's a big problem: if it's too windy to have a picnic, how can you add joy, health, play and kindness into your day? Enter: The Bugs Bunny Builders Method. Let's break it down into simple, manageable steps to enjoy your day despite the heavy wind.

JOY - If you're out and about, you can do something simple and gentle to fuel your love of pleasure, such as going for a walk or getting a drink of chocolate milk from the store, then sitting in the car and enjoying every sip. If you're at home, you can enjoy some light activities you love while sheltering from the wind, including writing blog entries, doing light exercise or reading.

HEALTH - At home and out and about, there's no need for those horrible Biggest Loser type workouts and diets. All that's required is gentle exercise. There are lots of workout programmes for kids on BBC iPlayer and Youtube, be it Andy's Wild Workouts or a simple Joe Wicks PE session you'd find from 2020. If you're outdoors, a gentle, short walk would do you good, mainly out in nature. You're getting enough exercise and fresh air to stimulate your brain until it's awake. However, on days which are windy, you can write a short, simple list of healthy things for your picnic with your support worker, such as Pom Bears, pork cocktail sausages or Paw Patrol, Bluey or Peppa Pig yogurt.

FUN & LAUGHTER - If the town you're visiting has a local corner shop which sells a nice snack or a magazine, take a little walk there and see if it sells your favourite tabloid or edible. Who knows, there are lots of different choices. Magazines? They're in there! Beano, CBeebies, My Little Pony, Peppa Pig...they have them all. And as for the snacks, make sure to choose something healthy and light, like carrot sticks, ready salted crisps or that yogurt that has 'Paw Patrol' written all over. Don't do it when the car is jolting, but you can read the fun stories in the magazine to your support worker, or when you're at home, slip away from screens for a while and do the activities in the magazine. You can answer the little questions sprinkled throughout, like describing your best friends or what your favourite toy is. Magazines are on a roll!

CARING - If you have an Usborne Things To Make & Do book at home, don't be shy to give all the crafts and activities in them a try! Get the help of a support worker to get all the items you need to make these simple crafts, and then give them to your Mum as a surprise. The book Things To Make & Do For People You Love is a great example, as it contains lots of things to help you care for your loved ones - friends, family, love shows them all. If you're out and about, you and your support worker can go to a small shop and get something for a friend or a loved one - a colouring book, a cake, a novel they've wanted to read for so long....you name the gift, the shop you're in has got it. And if they haven't got it, well, you can try a different shop. Don't give up! And if you want to get something for your dog or cat or beloved pet, then there's plenty of shops that sell pet treats or toys at a low price. Treat your furry friend to their own little gift!

So these are just a few of the signs you need to stay healthy, play healthy and be joyful when the wind blows on a cold September day. By obeying these four principles: JOY, HEALTH, FUN & LAUGHTER and CARING - you're taming the wind with your own way of fighting back: the kindly happiness of human nature exists within you. I believe in you.

You can do it!

The Petal Garden Incident (Bill & Ben)

If you grew up in the UK during the early 2000s, chances are you caught an episode or two of Bill & Ben, the Cosgrove Hall-produced reboot of the 1950s classic. With its soft clay animation and endearingly gibberish-speaking flowerpot men, it was a staple of Children’s BBC—later CBeebies—for kids just beginning to form memories. But there’s one episode you’ve never seen. Not on TV, not online, and certainly not mentioned in official BBC archives. Internally at Cosgrove Hall, it had a name: The Petal Garden Incident.

According to ex-staff at Cosgrove Hall, the episode was the result of an internal experiment—one not meant for broadcast. The studio was experimenting with abstract, subconscious imagery and horror concepts for a new adult anthology series. Someone, allegedly a writer named "Stuart N.", jokingly pitched the idea of “Bill and Ben in purgatory,” playing off the idea that their garden world was too peaceful, too isolated.

The animators, under heavy production schedules and perhaps looking to blow off steam, decided to use the Bill & Ben models as a mockup for a psychological horror concept—never intended to be aired. But something went wrong. Very wrong. The footage was mistakenly catalogued as a rough cut for the actual show and included in early distribution reels for overseas broadcasters. The BBC caught it before airing, but test viewers in Norway and Japan were not so lucky.

The intro begins as usual. The tinkling music plays. The flowers sway. You hear the gentle narration: “Bill and Ben… the Flowerpot Men.” But in this version, something’s off.

The music is slower. Dragged out. Like it’s melting. The sky looks darker. There’s a sound—very faint at first—of a baby wailing. As the intro continues, the wailing grows louder. Sharper. Soon it’s not a baby at all, but a guttural, demonic moan. The flowers twist unnaturally toward the screen. The screen flashes with violent cuts—frames of something unrecognizable. Blood? Raw meat? A hospital room?

Then the colors invert. The entire screen floods with a deep, arterial red. The music cuts. All that’s left is the sound of panting. Not from Bill or Ben—but from something alive.

Without a title card, we cut to the garden—only it’s dim, suffocatingly grey. Bill and Ben are strapped to a crude wooden table, their clay arms tied with rough twine. Their mouths are sealed. No “flobbadob.”

Weed is standing over them. She doesn’t speak, but her leaves twitch in a rhythmic pattern—signalling, commanding. Pry the magpie flies in first, landing on Ben's chest. Then Boo, Whoops, Scamper, and finally Slowcoach arrive, surrounding the helpless flowerpot men.

They begin pulling. Slowly at first, then with increasing force. Bill’s left arm is yanked off, revealing not clay—but flesh. A squirming, bloodied human baby arm. The others work in sync, peeling away the clay skin until, lying on the table where Bill and Ben once were, are two writhing, shrieking real human babies. Their eyes blink open—and they look straight at the camera.

The scene cuts without warning to real-life footage. The ocean. Grey, stormy waves slamming against jagged rocks. Then, a cliffside. Handheld footage now. A baby, perhaps nine months old, crawls on all fours toward the edge of the cliff. There are no adult voices—just the sound of distant seagulls, and the wind.

Then the baby falls.

There is no music. Just a piercing scream—female, primal. The camera shakes violently, and the screen cuts to static.

We return to the garden one last time. The clay aesthetic is back—but it’s cruder. Bill and Ben, now baby-sized versions of themselves, sit huddled in the mud. They look up and smile weakly.

Then, from the cracks in the ground, come ants. Hundreds. Thousands. With sharp, exaggerated mandibles. They swarm the baby versions of Bill and Ben. There’s no screaming—just the quiet crunch of consumption. Clay limbs twitch, dissolve. The ants consume everything.

Fade to black.

The BBC never aired the episode. After a catastrophic test screening with an internal panel—including parents, psychologists, and executives—the footage was flagged and officially locked in the BBC’s content vault. Some even say it was physically destroyed.

But copies had already leaked. A Norwegian children's block aired it once by mistake before pulling the episode mid-broadcast. In Japan, it aired in full during an overnight block meant for preschoolers, prompting multiple complaints and a quiet apology from NHK. The episode became known in international broadcaster logs as “B&B-RedRend01”.

After the incident, Cosgrove Hall quietly dismantled the original Bill & Ben production team. When the BBC commissioned them again, it was to focus on simpler, gentler reboots. Their next task? A reboot of Andy Pandy—released in 2002 with muted pastels and slow, meditative pacing. There were no more experiments. No more “adult horror mockups.”

They never mentioned The Petal Garden Incident again.

But sometimes… when watching Bill & Ben reruns on old VHS tapes, the screen flickers red for just a single frame.

Tikkabilla

Zingzillas

Traitors

PANEL 1:

INT. HEELER HOUSEHOLD - LIVING ROOM. DAY.

Bandit and Chilli are sitting on the sofa next to each other. Chilli is reading a beauty magazine, while Bandit is brushing the hair of one of Bluey's dolls.

BANDIT

Why of all things did we get put into a CBeebies Instagram post as 'Traitors'?

CHILLI

The Traitors is the only thing trending on the BBC these days, they incorporate it into everything - radio, television, online, iPlayer....

PANEL 2:

Bandit jumps up and yells in Chilli's face, while Chilli shrinks back smiling nervously:

BANDIT

(loudly)

DO YOU DARE TO MENTION THE DREADED I WORD?!

CHILLI

(nervously)

Well, iPlayer and toons are the only things CBBC focuses on these days, so....

CBeebies 2002 Fan Mail Promo Idea - Bill & Ben - Slowcoach

CBeebies Fan Mail Promo - Slowcoach
byu/Potty- inThunderbirdsEra