Nine Lives

We all know cats have nine lives

Us humans have nine lives too

But did you know toons have nine lives?

Oh, I bet you do!

Dastardly & Muttley compete in Formula 1,

Pink Panther is captured in a zoo,

Huckleberry Hound is in the dog pound

And fame is lost for Betty Boop

Charlie the cat is chained for slaughter

Queer Duck lives in a housing estate

Mr Magoo had an eye operation

Benjamin is used as government bait

Mighty Mouse is called the worst

Captain Caveman is now quiet

Felix the cat got euthanized

Woody Woodpecker leads American riots

Jamie and Wordsworth are drug addicts

Fiver & Hazel are experiments for a lab

Droopy has depression and is suicidal

And to Roobarb’s delight, Custard is in rehab

Dumbo’s mother is shot by hunters

The Grinch is sentenced to jail

Babar, like Pink, is caged in a zoo

And Yogi Bear starves and is frail

Peter Pan grows up and can no longer fly

Noggin The Nog grows old

Tintin is killed on a mission in Bombay

And Lady and Tramp are 40 years old

Willo The Wisp is a low ranking male

Pepe Le Pew cheats on his wife

Alice, like Jamie, is a drug addict

Mr Toad has a mixed up life

Hong Kong Phooey ain’t the real star,

The Snowman ain’t real either,

Captain Pugwash is named for being rude

And Flik got eaten by Fiver

Top Cat’s owners got run over by a car,

Bambi coped with death too (you all know how!)

Foghorn Leghorn no longer stutters

And Snow White has mad cow

Ginger and Rocky are circus stars

The Powerpuff Girls are tired of plain’

Baloo and Mowgli are a gay couple

Fritz The Cat thinks STD is a pain

Winnie The Pooh has eczema

Snarf is ignored and left behind

Sorcerer Mickey’s ‘magic’ is fake

And Ariel has nothing on her mind

Donald Duck has lost his voice,

Scooby Doo is morbidly obese,

Wile E Coyote caught the Road Runner

Bod’s been infected by yeast

Inspector Gadget’s been called boring

Pikachu, like Fiver, is a lab rat

Spider Man falls every time he swings

Ivor The Engine is a prat!

Samurai Jack’s been taking Aku’s medicine

Hank Hill is a cowboy in the West

Tommy and Chuckie have all growed up

And Snoopy has moved to a bird’s nest

Pongo and Perdita have parenting problems,

Optimus Prime’s gentle and kind,

Dougal can’t stop talking about the Sunday Times

Tweety made Sylvester make up his mind

Orko’s the best wizard in the world,

While Lumiere overthrows Belle,

Steamboat Mickey’s dancing the night away

And Daffy Duck’s raising hell!

Uni is thrown into a pet shop

Spongebob has all dried up

The Ninja Turtles are fat from eating too much pizza

And Bender has the hiccups

Pinocchio’s nose is a clothes rack

Danger Mouse’s eye was gouged out

Popeye took spinach instead of steroids

Mike and Sully let Boo cry and pout

Marvin The Martian has failed again,

Roger Rabbit has committed suicide,

Ren & Stimpy aren’t toilet trained

Magic Carpet gives hippies rides

Wallace & Gromit are blackmailed,

Nemo is fried in a fish and chip shop

Jack Skellington flips when there are no decorations

And The Iron Giant hates balloons that pop

Fred Flintstone needs a shave,

Bugs Bunny’s causing roadblock

Mr Incredible’s household is a mess

And Chihiro’s life is under a rock!

Simba is chained by his neck in the zoo

Shrek needs to be cleaned for being dirty

Brian and Stewie have stolen the show

With Bo Peep, Woody was flirty!

Oh my god, they killed Kenny,

And Tom & Jerry are in love with each other.

The Simpsons are number one, top dog,

So I guess that’s the end, oh brother.

So the next time you see any of these toons,

Just remember this, my friends:

These toons all have a cat’s nine lives

You never know where they may end.