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Saturday, 6 December 2025

Canned: A Retelling Of The MST3K Episode 'Teenagers From Outer Space'

“Guys, I think I got some bad news - uh, we got canned.”


“By who?”

“By the people at Talking Pictures TV. They’ve delivered us these electronic bracelets, which means if we make one riff throughout the entire film, we’d be electrocuted.”


“What film are you talking about, Joel?”


“Teenagers From Outer Space! Talking Pictures TV is showing it today. We’ll be doomed if we make at least one single riff throughout the entire showing.”


“Who cares? We’ve got a DVD of the film, so let’s go and watch it.”

“Good idea, Servo. Let’s go!”


AT THE THEATRE…

“Wait…what’s this spaceship doing here?”

“I don’t know but I think we might’ve been the first people to actually discover a UFO.”


“No, doggy, don’t go near it!”

“Too late!”

“NO!”


“Oh dear, now he’s burnt to a crisp!”

“Who are you and what do you want from us?”


“Oh. He’s just a teenager.”

“Right! I’d like to know which one of you is responsible for murdering the neighbour’s dog!”


“I’m not.”

“I’m not.”

“Actually, it was me.”

“JOEL, EH?! Well let me tell you something, my good friend: no matter how many times you’ve been framed for murder, we know you’re responsible.”


“We’ve been planning to cook this dog’s bone marrow for dinner, now if none of you can frame Joel for what he has done, than none of you will be pulverised.”

“We will! We can do it!”


“Alright, you robots, even though we know better, we’ll give that task to you. Remember: make sure you don’t reference Joel’s murderous deeds.”


“But I didn’t do anything! I swear!”

“You did. We saw you.”

“No! Have mercy!”


“Okay, we will, but you’re to not expose your secret to the public, Joel. If you don’t, we shall cut that antennae off Crow’s head and sew it on our ship, that’ll teach you a lesson.”


“Oh no no no, these teens are going to cut my antennae off. What are we going to do, Joel?!”


“Be calm, Crow, I won’t confess anything to the public about my horrible deeds.”


“Hey, have you kids got anything to do with a man who just wants revenge on us?”

“Uh oh. They’re going to expose me.”


“Why are you whispering?”

“They think I’ve secretly smashed a dog’s face off.”


“Wait…who are these people commenting on our world?”

“I’m Joel, and these are my robot friends.”

“Hi!” “Yo!”


“Well, you and your friend are welcome to stay at my house. Be lucky in fact, that it’s set in the UK and not the USA.”


“Hey, can we watch too?”

“Wait a second - who are you?”

“I’m Big Bird from Sesame Street, and these are my friends, Snoopy and Scooby Doo. We’ve come to watch the film with you guys, knowing you mentioned us when you saw it the first time.”


“Alright, fine, you can watch it with us.”

“YAY!”


“Hey, uh, Joel, I think I feel an itch on my neck. Is the little yellow blob with hair invading my body again?”

“Uh oh, you said it…”


PSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”


“Urgh, my neck…”

“I’ve been burnt to a crisp.”

“What’s wrong?”


“We’ve been riffing again. Those electric bracelets were applied to us like magic.”

“Let us help you get them off.”


Nnnnnrrrrgggghhh….rrrrrrrr…..rraaaaaa!!

“Oh dear, we can’t seem to get them off!”


“Alright, we give up. Crow, give your antennae to the teens.”

“WHAT?!”


“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ARGH!”


“There. That’s a fine ornament for the top of our telly.”

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