“Alright, Sybil, settle down,” said Lady Penelope as she began her homeschool lesson for the day. I sat in front of the big blackboard she had in the schoolroom she made for me. The cosy scent of vanilla filled the room, and she had three different jars on the table - one of strawberry jam, one of blackcurrant jam and one of a strange green substance that I had never noticed before. “Hmmmmm…mummy, what’s that green stuff?” I asked, waving my hand in the air like an eager school student - except I wasn’t at school, I was homeschooled.
“That’s Spinach, Sybil.” replied ‘er ladyship. “You know how you always eat Spinach for dinner every night?” she asked. I nodded. Penelope gave a cheeky smile. “And you know how Parker used to dress up in different clothes and be different people to get you to eat your greens?” I giggled loudly. A cry of “I ‘eard that, milady!” could be heard from Parker from the other room. Once there was silence again, Lady Penelope continued.
She cleared her throat and said: “This glass jar of spinach represents a jar of green grape jam. Do you know why we don’t get green grape jam?” I shook my head. “Why?” I asked. “Because back when they invented jam, it definitely was not a good idea to create jam made out of green grapes, because of how revolting it tasted.” “Oooooh,” I gasped, “Tell me more!”
“Back in 1928, a group of Kansas farmers were stomping on grapes the create a new substance named jam, and some were even being used for wine. However, in some cases, one very stupid farmer was stomping green grapes, and they accidentally got turned into jam. During a test tasting, children all over the USA experienced vomiting and nausea from trying that revolting green grape jam, and parents wrote a letter saying how this new form of jam was damaging their health.
Soon, the first agents of Spectrum - that came before Captain Scarlet - came to realise that the Mysterons were forcing the farmer to make this revolting jam to poison the children of America, so they sent their most loyal agent, Captain Red, to investigate. When he looked deeper into what caused the farmer to make this disgusting substance, he discovered that the Mysterons had put Mars Prickles all over his feet, which burned whenever he walked. It hurt so much he was forced to stomp green grapes and add some worms and other revolting bugs into the mixture by Captain Black’s grandfather, Captain Blood Red, who was the first to be possesed by the Mysterons.”
“Eeeuurgh!” I cried, feeling more disgusted than I had ever been, “That’s so gross! Can’t you move on to what compares Mysteron jam with the two other jars of jam?” “I think she’s right, ma’am,” said a voice from the doorway. We both looked, and a familiar figure dressed in red was standing outside. “Captain Scarlet!” I cried, “You’ve come to join the lesson!” “Actually, of course I have,” said Captain Scarlet, “Everyone in Spectrum was making a lot of noise during a meeting about what the Mysterons possessed in America’s jam substance, so I came to join in the lesson too.” “Do take a seat, Captain,” said Lady Penelope, “And let us continue with the lesson.”
Captain Scarlet took a cushion and made himself comfortable as Lady Penelope continued. “Now Sybil, Captain Scarlet, you see those two jars there?” We both nodded in agreement. “This one holds strawberry jam, and this one holds blackcurrant jam. These jars of jam are safe to spread on toast, because they haven’t been contaminated by the Mysterons. Green grape jam isn’t safe to eat, because that’s, according to most Spectrum agents, Mysteron poison.” Captain Scarlet shot his hand up in the air.
“You have a question for me, Captain?” said Lady Penelope. “Well, ma’am, according to Colonel White I think that’s where we got the idea for our catchphrase from. Our catchphrase used to be ‘Spectrum Is Black’, but due to Captain Black being possessed by the Mysterons when I became indestructible, they renamed it to ‘Spectrum Is Green’ so we won’t promote poisoned Mysteron substances in kids.”
“Very good, Captain Scarlet,” smiled Lady Penelope, clapping politely, and I gave a wink to my friend, to which he winked back. Penelope went on, “Now, there was a scandal on Channel 4 on Halloween 2004 when they re-aired the 100 Greatest Scary Moments.” Captain Scarlet ran to hide behind the sofa, screaming loudly. He hated that special, and so did I. “Mummy!” I cried, “Would you please tone it down? Captain Scarlet is frightened!” “Oh dear, oh dearie me,” said a shocked Lady Penelope, “Very sorry, Captain.” “No worries, ma’am,” Captain Scarlet said before hiding behind the sofa again.
“Leeeet’s let him hide,” I said. “It’s quite okay for him to take some alone time, it’s no good masking.” “Does that mean it’s break time already?” I asked. “Of course, we’ll give him enough time to recover from the incident of Channel 4 on Halloween 2003.”
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