wakes up Wha.....what.....oh. Oh my god. It's you two! How's the new baby doing?
JOHN: Don't be so silly, she isn't born yet.
Her?!
HELENA: Of course - the results of my pregnancy test came back. It's a girl!
A girl? Wow!
JOHN: We've been waiting all week to hear about the gender of our bundle of love.
Well, thanks. Marina cut my brain open the get rid of an itchy patch, and she pulled out an itchy red blobby creature.
JOHN/HELENA: Urgh!/Oh my god!
JOHN: That's so disgusting!
But the detection services have sealed it up. That's why I have this bandage around my head.
HELENA: Sure, I can still see the blood stains. Anyway, did you bring the baby bucket list?
Of course I did!
Okay, so first thing's first: go to the zoo. You should go and visit the animals at Colchester Zoo, a place where I have been as a child.
HELENA: I would love to visit the zoo with my baby. I could study all the different animals and their noises.
Towards your baby...
HELENA: Yes, towards my baby.
Step 2: visit a theme park. You could visit CBeebies Land - it's much better than watching CBeebies on the TV nowadays, mainly due to how woke it is.
JOHN: Where might that be?
At Alton Towers of course.
JOHN: Alton Towers....hadn't heard that name in donkey's years.
I would recommend trying the Tweenies Playground or Bob The Builder, but they've been closed down to make room for CBeebies Land.
HELENA: Not to worry, Professor Bergman has invented a time machine that will take us back to the times these attractions are open. Don't blame us if you see we've been to Tweenies Playground in the photos!
Or Cloud Cuckoo Land.
You
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29 min
, EditedJOHN: We could totally go there via the time machine.
Step 3: A trip to the beach.
JOHN: You know what? We've never been to the beach. It would be nice to go there with our baby by our side.
And now I've got an itchy finger.
HELENA: I'm a medical expert myself when it comes to itches. You know what's under your skin right now?
What?
HELENA: One of those little green biomagnetic worms that burrow under your skin while you're busy doing something.
Please don't cut my fingers off or open, you'll be in serious trouble over at Moonbase Alpha!
HELENA: Okay, well, my advice is to just put a little cream on your fingers and everything will be just fine.
Okay, I will! Anyway, step 4: adventures in the forest.
JOHN: There's a lot of jungle planets around, we could take our baby for walks in the safest part of the jungle - as long as there's no man eating plants, insects or animals around.
Well, they might've had kids of their own by then.
HELENA: Maybe our kid will know how to communicate with animals.
Of course she will, she's your baby, what else could you want?
JOHN: We could pack a picnic.
Of course! Maybe you could....take some binoculars?
JOHN: Of course.
Okay, okay, alright alright alright.
baby kicks
HELENA: Ooh!
JOHN: What's wrong, hun?
HELENA: She kicked.....and it felt so new to me.
She only has tiny feet, where else would she put them aside of your pregnant belly, Helena?
HELENA: It felt like I have been slugged to the stomach by a squirrel...in a good way.
You should go to the park and look at squirrels darting up the tree trunks.
HELENA: That's definitely going on our bucket list.
I....I have some bad news to tell you guys. I had a massive row with H yesterday, and it was all because I didn't say, "Can we please leave?" My mum was so upset with me, and I'm worried everyone will hate me.
HELENA: You have nothing to worry about, it's just a fact of life. We overheard your mum. If you say, "Can we please leave? I'm stressed an anxious," everything will work out just fine.
Good idea, Helena. By the way, how was your doctor's appointment?
HELENA: I did exactly as you said, Sybil, and my baby is healthy and well. It is very important to take rests when you're pregnant, and eat enough food to make your baby beautiful and healthy.
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9 min
And I have an itchy foot!
HELENA: Biomagnetic worms.
Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious. Now I have pins and needles from crossing my legs a lot. You know how pins and needles are caused on the moon?
HELENA: I think it's-
JOHN: Let me explain. It's the Space Ants. They burrow under your skin while you're still in your space suit, and then you get this tingling feeling that would make you want to take your clothes off. Only water can eliminate the ants.
Oh. I see.
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