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One night, Lady Penelope found me crying on our bed. She sat down, switched on the light and held me close. I could feel her light rose perfume scent fill my nose, and her silk nightie was soft against my skin.

“I heard it all!” I wept, “I don’t want to watch the same things over and over.” “You mean like that stupid fox?” “Basil Brush, yes. I hate him! And I mustn’t forget that stupid Sylvanian Families DVD, I’ve seen it ONE TOO MANY TIMES!”

“Not so loudly,” said Penelope, “What made you think buying them was a good idea?” “I wanted to buy them so I could be - well, entertained, and now I heard that Thunderbirds is back on Talking Pictures TV, I wanted to see it. Now everyone’s forcing me to watch DVDs instead, because it’s real TV!”

I buried my face into Penelope’s shoulder and cried harder. Penelope stroked my back and cradled me in her arms. At once, I stopped crying. I began to feel warm and loved. “Oh dear, things like that happen sometimes, little one.” reassured Penelope, “But you’ll always find new things to watch, even if there’s no Sky. But you can get rid of them and rip them to pieces, so there’s no need to worry your head off about it anymore tonight.” With a knowing smile, I began to hug Penelope, her soft embrace feeling like that of a cuddly fashion doll. “There now. There, there.” whispered Penelope. “I guess the Tracy brothers really are bullies to me sometimes, right, Penny?” I asked. “Yes, they can be,” corrected Penelope, “But you can always forget what they’re saying, because you’ll always have me.” “And Parker?” I asked. “And Parker.” replied Penelope. From another room, Parker called out: “I heard that, milady!”

“Now, then, little one, don’t you worry about it any more tonight.” “Except for Brains? And Jeff? And Grandma Tracy? ‘Cause they’re the only ones who can understand me.” Penelope put on a determined smile on her face. “Oh yes,” she said fiercely, “Then Jeff will catch those naughty boys and SPANK them!”

I screamed with laughter, instantly recovering from my sadness, as Penelope began to chase me around the bedroom. Then I leapt up onto our bed and thwacked Penelope in the face with a soft pillow. Penelope hit me back, and soon we were both engaging in a pillow fight which sent feathers flying everywhere, until we both collapsed onto the bed, laughing loudly.

At last, settling under the covers, I yawned, “Goodnight, Penelope. I love you, big sister.” “I love you too, little sister,” smiled Penelope, as she switched off the light and we both fell fast asleep. At once, Parker came in to see what all the noise was, and found us fast asleep. “Oh dear me,” said Parker, “They must be tuckered out after she ran to her room crying.”

And here’s what Parker told you:

“If you’re having trouble with the TV, remember it’ll only take three whole days before the whole of the media industry is your’s. Talking Pictures TV will regret airing those kinds of fast paced, annoying adverts. Let’s don’t argue about it.”

No Ifs, Ands Or Coconuts

One sunny day on Tracy Island, Lady Penelope and I were relaxing near some palm trees. We were cuddled together on a deck chair, wearing swimwear - Penelope’s was a luscious pink - and drinking coconut juice together. “Aaaaahhh,” I sighed, “What a wonderful day to vacation on Tracy Island, Penelope.” “I think you’re right, it is a good idea to vacation on Tracy Island. I’m sure Jeff and his sons wouldn’t mind.” agreed Penelope. “Penelope,” I said after a minute long silence, “You do know these palm trees are made out of cardboard, right?” “That’s what the Thunderbirds team said when they started production on the show I starred in.” “But what about any coconuts? Can’t they add them on?” “They didn’t have money for real coconuts, but what they did have money for is the budget to make Thunderbirds possible.”

Feeling contented, I snuggled against Penelope, feeling safe and secure. “Still, it’s great to be on vacation with you, Penny. I do enjoy our time on the beach, even more than when we went on vacation in Australia.” “That’s right, and you made a new friend - Cheesecake.” At once, I felt myself giggling cheekily. “Why are you giggling like that?” asked Penelope mischievously. “Because according to Cheesecake, she knew that Australian aboriginal people speak in tongues. Like this: Nya nya nya nya nya nya!” I blabbered, doing my best Annoying Orange imitation. Penelope laughed. It was fun to hang around with Penelope like this, even when I made weird noses like the Nya-Nya-Nya thing.

At last, I yawned, feeling tired out from the heat of the warm sun. Snuggling against Penelope, we both fell asleep, still trying to work on our tan. It was Heaven. I felt safe and secure in Penelope’s arms, feeling happy that-

Uh oh, wait a minute. What’s this?! Penelope and I suddenly woke up and spun around. Thunderbird 2 was about to take off! “GET OUT OF THE WAY!” I shouted, and we jumped out of the way just in time as our deckchair was crushed and Thunderbird 2 took off into the sky.

Penelope was furious over this. “Hrmph!” she growled, “Those Thunderbirds.” I felt furious too. “Whatever happened to our vacation, we are NEVER vacationing here again!”

The Aardvark With The Tickly Nose

One day in the plains of Africa, Furaha the lioness cub and Orko were chasing each other across the grasslands in a delightful game of tag. “You’ll never catch me, Orko!” laughed Furaha. “Oh yeah, well I bet I could catch you if you paid me a million pounds!” “There’s no money or greed in Africa!” called Furaha, before she screeched to a halt and pounced onto Orko, tickling him playfully. “Hey! No! That tickles!” cried Orko.

At last, Furaha rolled over onto her back and giggled with Orko, then they both started to relax together, the air of Africa quiet enough to concentrate on their minds and bodies, as the grasses swayed against their skin and fur. Orko wasn’t wearing his robe, because it was too hot in Africa, so he only wore his hat, scarf and red silk skirt. Furaha enjoyed days like this: running around playing in the grasslands and then lying down to relax in the spindly grasses. It was a sunshining day.

However, the peace was not to last - in a playful way that is. A long nose peered out through the grass and started to tickle Furaha. How she laughed! Orko at once woke up, disturbed by the sudden laughter. “What? What is it, what’s going on?” “A nose just tickled me!” giggled Furaha. “Don’t be silly, Furaha, noses don’t tickle people!” fibbed Orko, but by ‘fibbed’, I meant he was quite wrong, because the nose peered through the spindly grasses and tickled Orko’s skin, causing him to laugh loudly in a playful cackle. “Alright, who’s doing this,” laughed Furaha, trying to hold her laughter back.

As if on cue, out of the grasses came an aardvark, with said long nose wiggling about. “So that’s what this is all about!” gasped Orko. “That aardvark wants to play a tickling game with us!” “We’d be happy to play your game with you, Mr. Aardvark, count us in!” said Furaha. “And me too!” called Orko.

The aardvark nodded, its nose wiggling, and the tickling began. The aardvark began to tickle them everywhere - their necks, tummies, legs, arms and toes. Aardvarks are natural ticklers, or at least that’s what Furaha thinks, because of their long noses. All day long they tickled each other.

Furaha tickled Orko, Orko tickled Furaha, Furaha and Orko tickled the aardvark, and the aardvark, obviously, tickled them.

When Furaha and Orko returned to the acacia tree that night to tell Optimus about their encounter with the aardvark, he was nowhere to be seen. The two looked around in the darkness for their friend, until they saw a giant hand poking out from behind the tree. At once, Furaha and Orko began to giggle, and at once…

“BOO!” shouted Optimus, leaping out from behind the tree and startling Furaha and Orko. “Oh my goodness, what a fright!” giggled Furaha, and Optimus started tickling them. Furaha and Orko laughed as Optimus tickled them endlessly, until they started yawning, indicating they were very tired.

Optimus picked the two friends up in his strong arms and cuddled them softly. He sat by the large rock that stood near the acacia tree and hummed a soothing lullaby as he cradled them in his arms, knowing they’re safe and secure in the African moonlight.

Under The Duvet

One fine day in the mansion, Parker was making Lady Penelope’s bed. It was a fine, soft, quilted bed, that I would perfectly like to sleep on with her, letting her protect me all night long, only like a mother would. But she is my sister, so, whatever.

It was while Parker was making our bed that he heard some giggling coming from under the duvet. “What on earth is going on under there?” asked Parker. “I ‘ope Bluey and Bingo ‘aven’t snuck in accidentally. Hmmmm…maybe it sounds a lot like-” But before he had time to reveal the answer to himself, he saw a huge lump which was made by something hiding under the duvet. “Oh goodness cripes!” shouted Parker, “A little white slug! Milady!”

While Parker ran off to get help, what you do know was that I was hiding under there, wearing my pink silk nightie, giggling away. It felt so comfortable between the bed and the duvet, that for a second there, I felt like I was going to sleep.

“You ‘ave to see this, milady,” said Parker, “I was just making your bed, when all of a sudden, this little white slug appeared.” “Let me handle this, Parker,” said Penelope. “NO, MILADY!” screamed Parker, hiding behind a chair in cowardice, “That slug may bite!” “Who cares?” chuckled Penelope, “That slug may not bite after all.”

And with that, she started to tickle the white lump, causing it (me) to laugh. Immediately, she recognised what caused the laughter. “Ah, yes, I think I know what this laughter belongs too…”

Parker peered out from behind the chair as Penelope reached out to touch the duvet. When she pulled it off, there I was, giggling and laughing like there was no tomorrow! “SARAH!” cried Parker and Penelope at once. “So you’re the little white slug who’s playing tricks on us.” said Penelope with a determined look on her face. “And to think I made your bed, milady, just to find out your sister was hiding under there.” sighed Parker in relief.

Penelope grabbed me and hugged me fiercely, causing me to laugh even further, while Parker scruffled my hair and nose kissed me, chuckling, “Yer little rascal.” However, afterwards, I felt really tired, so I fell fast asleep in Penelope’s arms. She cradled me, and at once, the whole room grew quiet as she laid me on her bed and covered the white duvet over me. She kissed me on the cheek and said, “Sleep tight, little one. I’ll make sure there are no little white slugs about.”

And I’m sure there aren’t, because I was fast aslee-

Uh oh. Blueeeeeyy…Bingooooooo…

Journey Through The Wild World - Chapter 1

Deep in the plains of Africa, not a single wild human roamed the grasslands. The only ‘people’ that roamed the grasses are the animals themselves, from the prowling lion to the big-footed elephant. These animals went about their daily lives peacefully. But what might occur to them would make them blissfully unaware of who they might meet next. Someone who is very well adjusted to living in the wild since Day 1.

And that person is me. I am often accompanied by Lady Penelope in roaming and playing freely in the Grasslands. Penelope was my protector, my guardian. We wore nothing, but we didn’t feel any shame. Under Penelope’s watchful eye, I would run across the grasses and try to chase butterflies which fluttered over the golden plain, while Penelope chuckled watching my hilarious antics in trying to catch one.

Whenever we felt dirty or hot, we swam freely in the water hole. You might be telling me that this is some place where the animals come to drink, but this was not only our drinking place, but our swimming place. A place to relax, splash and play together when the weather gets too humid. Penelope and I would laugh loudly as we splashed each other and showered each other in the cooling water, free of restraints and walls holding us back.

When we were tired out from a long day of play, we would lie down in the tall spindly grass and watch the world slowly go by. To us, the world was a refreshing place where everything took its time. They said that patience was the true virtue of the wild, and whatever said about it was true, believe me. I would snuggle into Penelope’s chest and start breathing gently, as I felt secure and safe in her bare arms. Penelope was the one who kept me safe and warm in the wild, even when the weather got cold. Penelope was more than just a sister, she was like a mother to me, for we are the most unique animals ever to roam the free-spirited place.

When she had the time and energy to do it, Penelope would run around on all fours chasing butterflies with me. This kind of fun activity didn’t require felt or crayons or pens like what was acquired in civilised life, because we lived in the wild, and it was our only home - perfect for two elegant, pretty women who have a free spirit.

During this fun activity, Penelope would pin me to the ground in a non-compromising position and then tickle me on my chest. I would laugh and wiggle my legs, but I couldn’t because Penelope was sitting on them, so I just begged for her to stop endlessly, until I started tickling her. She rolled over onto the floor in an endless laughing fit, and soon both of us were laughing. It was such a freeing feeling, living in the wild heart of Africa. It made us feel like wild women.

When night time rolled around, everything in the Savannah came to a standstill, as if the pause button had been pressed on the scene. Every single animal settled down to sleep in their nests or caves, their yawns of satisfaction echoing through the land. Penelope and I would lie in the grass, in our little nest, and Penelope would tell me about each Constellation that appeared via the stars that shone in the sky. In the wild, as it was written, Constellations are the gods that created our wonderful wilderness, and Penelope held all the knowledge from the moment she was raised there.

Once again, I felt safe and secure in Penelope’s arms, feeling her warmth against my body as we snuggled down to sleep amongst the long, protective grasses. No, seriously, there wasn’t any danger lurking about, but with Penelope, I felt really safe. She always made sure no scary lions or cheetahs would come and separate us, and gave a nice, soft hug to me when I needed it.

So yeah, Africa is such a wonderful place. We couldn’t ask, my friends, for anywhere else to live in, for the wild was the best place for a woman or girl to live in, to unleash her natural femininity.

The Brave Journey Of Ash & Pikachu

The skies were black as ink spilled on a desk table, and thunder was crashing. Rain poured heavily down on a cloaked yet familiar figure, tagging alongside him was his Pikachu. His name? Ash Ketchum. Ash was carrying a spear in his hand and Pikachu was struggling to keep up. “Come on, Pikachu, not long now!” called Ash over the sound of the wind and the rain. “PIKA!” called Pikachu over the noise, but Ash was desperate. “Pikachu, it’s either follow me or die! It’s our only chance to survive!” called Ash.

Suddenly, the two came upon a black, flaming volcano with lava spewing out of it. Ash, not wanting to feel shy and left out, slowly walked up to the volcano and reached out to touch it. Pikachu covered his eyes as Ash’s hand got closer and closer to the ground that covered the volcano…

Just then, BANG! BOOM! FLASH! Thunder crashed down onto the volcano, and out of it, with a terrifying ROAR of anger, came a monstrous, angry-looking Charizard, as big as 20,000 buses, with evil red eyes and lava dripping from his skull. “Uh oh…” said Ash, “We’re so busted.” The Charizard gave out a loud ROAR, so loud in fact that it shook the whole valley, its orange light illuminated against the heavy rain and thunder.

“Pikachu, use your Thunderbolt!” cried Ash to his best friend. As Pikachu ran towards the Charizard and tried to electrocute him, Ash called out: “For Johto! For the new league! For every Pokemon in the world!” But Pikachu’s electric shocks made the Charizard impervious, and knocked Pikachu down to the ground again, seriously injuring him.

“PIKACHU!” cried Ash, running up to his best friend and kneeling beside him, making sure he’s okay. “Pi…ka…” whimpered Pikachu. “Hang in there, buddy, you’re going to make it,” said Ash, checking Pikachu’s pulse. But then, the Charizard leapt out of the volcano and landed feet first onto the ground, causing it to shake like an earthquake and also causing him to let out another huge, tremendous ROAR that caused Pikachu to run away!

“I know what I must do,” said Ash suddenly, feeling braver than ever. He walked up to the Charizard fearlessly as it became confused, then slowly reached out to touch it. Pikachu peered out from behind the tree and watched with astonishment as Ash slowly reached out to touch the Charizard’s snout. Once he did, Charizard felt a familiar feeling wash over him. Was this really…Ash Ketchum? The boy who raised him as a young Charizard? A friend to Pikachu. Tears fell down Ash’s face as he smiled and said:

“Remember me, Charizard. I’m your trainer, your partner, the one who gave you a family when you needed one. When you were left out in the rain you had no chance, but now you’re safe with me. Remember me…please…”

Memories of his past life with Ash and Pikachu began to flash up in his angry mind, then, in a hopeful beam of light, Charizard began to devolve. Pikachu knew this moment would come and ran to witness it as he and Ash were bathed in a warm, golden light. Before they knew it, the rain had stopped…and Charizard was no more. He was the all too familiar…

“CHARMANDER!” cried Ash in a flood of happy tears, and both of them ran towards each other in a wonderful embrace. Pikachu leapt to join the cuddle too, not wanting to be left behind upon seeing his friend. Out of Ash’s backpack came two Pokeballs containing Bulbasaur and Squirtle, and once they were freed, they and Pikachu had a happy and playful reunion with their friend.

At once, as if a ray of hope had beamed through Ash’s mind, the sun broke through the dark clouds and shone down on this reunited family of friends, as they ran across a beautiful grassy green meadow. Ash ran ahead of his Pokemon, but all four leapt into his arms, causing him to roll down a grassy hill. “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!” laughed Ash and he and his Pokemon enjoyed the freedom within them.

Once they reached the bottom, they all laughed and laughed, and Charmander began to tickle Bulbasaur. Pikachu ran into Ash’s arms, and the two hugged - gently, so Ash won’t get electrocuted. For as long as Ash realises who his Pokemon are meant for, he will never forget all the friends he has made, all the Pokemon he has captured and all the happy times he spent with not just Pikachu, but everyone else, who he comes to accept as his extended family.

Pals forever…

…pals together.

Orko's Night Out

This London pub was unusually very quiet on that Sunday night, and was so tranquil that not a single yell of ‘Chug! Chug! Chug!” could be heard.

Orko was sitting in the pub taking a drink of beer. He was drinking over the fact that He Man abused him back on Eternia, and now he’s safe on Earth, he still has painful memories of it here. His eyes were open so wide they were growing colder by the minute. Every sip felt like a fiery dragon’s breath on his unforeseeable tongue, gums and throat in his mouth and neck, and when he had finished, Orko smashed his beer glass onto the floor, as he wobbled while floating out of the pub, occasionally bumping into things and accidentally knocking beer bottles and glasses onto the floor.

While flying out of the pub, he crashed onto the ground, with the sounds of police sirens wailing and a dog barking in the background. And do you know what he did next? He puked. First, he puked out thick, grimy Trollan vomit for what seemed like forever. Then he stopped. Then he did it again. Then he stopped. Then he managed to vomit in an extremely violent way, making him fall to the ground. He crawled through the puddle of his own smelly Trollan vomit and dragged himself wearily along the streets.

While in the middle of the street, he saw a fountain. He sat on the edge, and looked at his pure, clean reflection. It was so pure and innocent, that for a moment Orko didn’t notice his yellow eyes had turned red and bloodshot. He also didn’t notice his cloak had been covered with his own vomit. He had been caked in his own smelly upbringings, so it was time he needed a wash. He took off his robe and threw it into the fountain, then magicked some soap and a brush and washed off all the vomit. Then with another hint of magic, he snapped his fingers and his vomit-covered purple scarf turned into a nice, soft, fresh clean one.

Still with his robe off, Orko took a London bus, which has no passengers at all for some reason, all the way to an empty beach. He didn’t know it, but being out here in the warm moonlight in the quiet atmosphere of the beach made him feel like he was connected to nature. For a while, he sat on the warm sand, gazing out to sea, feeling the cool breeze on his soft blue skin.

Then suddenly, as if out of the blue, he began to yawn. He felt awfully tired after his long night out, so he snuggled onto the soft sand and fell asleep happily, knowing he was safe among the natural beauty of the world. As the sun rose over the sea, Orko kept on sleeping, with only the song of the waves filling his pointy ears…

A Day With Otis & Konnie

“Would, you, BELIEVE IT!” screamed the newest Blue Peter presenter Konnie after the day she was coronated as the next Blue Peter presenter. She was talking to Mabel, the Blue Peter dog, who was cute because of her different coloured eyes. “My first show was absolutely bonkers! I met the presenters and oh my god, I can’t wait to see what life is like at Children’s BBC.” But then, her face fell. “Ooh,” she sighed, “I think they’re all not real.”

“Or are we?” said a voice right next to her. Konnie turned around and gasped in shock. There, right in front of her, was Otis the Aardvark! “Otis? Oh wow, you are real!” gasped Konnie. “Real as can ever be,” laughed Otis, “Now, why are you in the normal BBC studio? Is Blue Peter aimed for adults now?” “No,” replied Konnie, “I’m just excited about meeting new people. I just…don’t know where to start yet.” “Well come with me,” said Otis, “I want to show you the Children’s BBC studios!”

Without a moment’s thought, Otis took Konnie’s hand and led her along the corridor to a bright yellow door marked ‘Children’s BBC’. Mabel followed. When Otis opened the door, Konnie’s jaw dropped. There in front of her was a whole black and yellow set with various Children’s BBC characters playing and having fun. “Hello, everyone!” called Otis, “I would like you to meet Konnie!” “Hi Konnie!” everyone called. “Konnie, would you care to introduce yourself to everyone?”

At once, Konnie didn’t feel one bit shy. First, she introduced herself to the Teletubbies - Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Po - and their vacuum nursemaid Noo Noo. She loved when Po did karate moves as a way of expressing her excitement, and Tinky Winky’s simple attitude made her laugh. She then went on to say hello to Postman Pat and his cat Jess. Since Jess spoke in low meows, Pat offered Konnie the chance to stroke Jess’ fluffy fur. “And don’t you know her fur will be straight should Jess be revived for TV?” asked Pat. “Mmmmmm…maybe,” said Konnie.

Next, she introduced herself to Fireman Sam. She questioned him whether everyone in his town, Pontypandy, sounded Welsh or not. “Some of us do,” said Sam, “I think maybe Penny’s the only one who comes from London.” “Then does Norman come from the depths of Hell?” asked Konnie. This sent everyone laughing, before Konnie went on to introduce himself to Pingu. Because of seasons 3 and 4, Pingu had to communicate through sign language, as he was the only hope of teaching deaf children how to communicate with loved ones. Konnie, surprisingly enough, knew BSL all too well. Pingu was taught BSL the moment season 3 of his show premiered.

But the moment she introduced herself to Noddy and Tessie Bear, two things happened: first, Mabel knocked Noddy to the ground and licked his face, causing Tessie to giggle. “Why are your eyes all weird?” asked Noddy. “Don’t worry, Noddy, she has heterochromia so her eyes are coloured-”

“WOAH!”

SMACK!

“Hahahahahahahahahaha!”

And that was final. Martha Monkey’s banana peel had sent Konnie to hospital.

When Konnie woke up in the hospital, she had no idea of where she is, yet she somehow had bandages around her head. She groaned for a little bit and asked “What happened? What happened to me? WHERE AM I?!” But there was no response. Until Otis arrived with a bunch of flowers and tried comically to place them into a vase, which brightened Konnie’s mood a little.

“I see you’re a little tied up with amnesia at the moment…or at least, that’s what the doctor told me.” explained Otis. “Is it permanent?” “No, it’s supposed to last a whole week. They told me that on Monday, your brain will clear and you will have a fresh mind again.” “Oh my god, thanks very much, Otis,” Konnie said, feeling much better already. However, poor Konnie didn’t remember anything about the next Blue Peter show. It was too much for her. She thought she knew everything about Blue Peter. Now it just bled from her mind like a knowledge-filled ooze. Konnie put her hands over her face and began to cry. “Don’t worry, my friend, we can plan it out together!”

Konnie and Otis spent the entirety of Konnie’s hospital stay talking about plans for Blue Peter, which Konnie had to write down on a piece of paper in case she forgot.

And by the time they removed the bandages on Monday, Konnie’s amnesia was fully gone. When she returned to the studio, Mr Plod had to scold Martha Monkey for using her stock of bananas to play such a horrid trick. Meanwhile, Konnie was waiting for her next Blue Peter show.

“Cheer me on, will you, Otis?” she asked as Otis left the control room. Otis nodded, but not before Martha Monkey ran in with a banana, which she gave to Konnie out of kindness. “Thanks,” said Konnie, taking the banana out of its peel and throwing it onto the floor.

Ah-aaaaaaaaaaaah, we know what’s going to happen to Martha Monkey next, don’t we?

SLIP!

“OUCH!”

Stripe The Alcoholic

It seems like you guys know me all too well enough to start this story. You may know me as Uncle Stripe, the loving yet wild uncle of Bluey and father to Muffin. I wasn’t always this way, you know…

Back in Cunningham College, I was aged 21, and I was an annoying puppydog who always got on the nerves of my fellow roommate, Bandit, who would often see my behaviour as ‘raucous’ and ‘rude’. On one such day, I was in my dorm while Bandit was playing his video game, drinking an endless bottle of scotch. Endless you say? Nah mate, more like 17 ounces of scotch.

When Bandit noticed my drinking habits, he said: “Are you sure you want to drink all that scotch?” I replied; “Yeah, why not? Who cares if it’s not good for your health? Tastes of butter.” “Butter you say? More like an elephant who has peed in the butter.”

Then, I felt it. My fingers twitched, I felt my eyelid twitching, and then, I whooped and yelled out, “WHO CARES, YOU MORON!” Drinking the scotch wildly, I cried out, “WAHEY! Nobody ever drinks like I do! Woohoo! Yeah!”

It was at that moment that the telephone rang. Bandit went to answer it whilst I did a crazy little jig near my bed. He was talking to our mum about how college life was going, Charlene’s new trapper keeper and Pat’s reluctant urge to join the pizza and drinks club every evening.

Then, he smelt it. He turned around and saw what he could not believe. I had peed all over the floor! “Oh, man,” said Bandit, “This place stinks now! Out I say!” “But what about…” I whimpered, but I said “GO! Geez, this is going to take me ages to clean the place up. Sorry, mum, you were saying?”

Outside my dorm I stumbled across the hallway, my eyes now blurry and my vision just simple shapes with little bubbles popping all around it. In a daze, I smashed my scotch bottle against the wall, and stabbed my hand through one of the shards, causing it to bleed. “AAAAAAAAAAARGH!” I cried, and I hung onto the billboard for safe keeping. Unaware that there was an Alcoholics Anonymous poster on the board, I hung onto it for dear life, only for it to rip to shreds and for me to fall down.

For the rest of the night, I just lay there. Booze and glass shards were everywhere.

And now, sir, you see my bandaged hand? I got it from when I was taken to hospital. It was a painful operation, but the doctors convinced me not to drink anymore. Concerned?

“Mmmm, interesting story.” (That’s the voice of the newsagent seller)

Thus, I have learned to drink other things apart from booze and scotch from now on. Anyway, I’d like a carton of orange juice and a packet of ready salted crisps, please.

“Here you go, sir, that’ll be £9.”

I have just the money for it.

“Thank you.”

Hoo roo!

“And you tell Trixie I said hello!”

It’s g’day!

Leapfrog Twinkle Twinkle Little Scout

Alcoholics & Brave Journeys

Pikachu's Prison

 

The Adopter