"We are coming."
What the hecking heck was that?! That's a traumatising sci-fi series talking if you ask me, because the BBC didn't give a flying raspberry about what our kids are watching these days. Let's reframe what the possessed kids are actually saying:
"We are being overstimulated by fast changing scenes, rapid flashing lights and loud actors and voices."
So with that said, it goes that I have a new analogy connecting episode five of this disturbing series to what CBBC is up to these days. Let's break it down with the four key elements that are a part of episode 5 of Torchwood's Children Of Earth:
THE ARMY. The army, my dear friends, represents the horror that is CBBC. In the episode, the army takes the children away to have their chemicals fed to the 456. The 456 represents one word: algorithm, which controls programming rather than human curators. With more kids switching to Youtube and streaming, I think the army is a representation of the loud American content kids are forced to take in instead of all this beautiful hand crafted happiness kids of the last few decades experienced.
THE KIDNAPPED KIDS. They represent traumatised viewers, especially autistic grownups who love kids' TV like me, about to experience negativity and mental health problems from watching algorithm-led, CGI-fuelled, loud TV for their age. CBBC is forcing the kids to absorb all their new content which is entirely American, very mature, totally raised by the means of volume and extremely not suitable. Remember Big Fat Like? Uh huh, it's more suited for Adult Swim than CBBC.
Anyway, all these kids which are abducted and taken away are a representation of our children - from the moment I read about Cocomelon and its high energy nature, I have found out that kids stay glued to the screen when fast paced shows, say, the aforementioned Cocomelon, or Wish, or Home, or a Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sitcom or TV movie or special with hyperactive actors playing screaming teen characters who care less about the mess real teens experience today, they take it all in like CBBC's ultra annoying American cartoon Spongebob, which I find will be much better on Nick than on that stupid channel.
Too much of screen time with fast paced, loud shows and films like these cause dopamine loops or adrenaline spikes in kids young and old, causing lack of attention, violent outbursts and tantrums and much more which come with what you see here. Parents, are you reading this?
THE PARENTS. Oh god, all these parents...fearing for their childrens' lives, screaming to come back as they are swooped away to get used as juice boxes for the 456...parents of a British reality, I don't want you overreacting the same way when your kids start having tantrums due to too much Paw Patrol or Peppa Pig. Or CBBC. I almost forgot. They represent YOU.
YOU.
You you you you you you you you.
And how you fear for your kids and what they are watching on TV these days.
Instead, you should let them start watching the classics, because they are all slow paced, low-stimulating and comforting for attention, observation and growing intelligence in your kids. Examples include: Percy The Park Keeper, Spot The Dog, Little Bear, Franklin, Oswald, Titch, Postman Pat (the classic series), Gran, Bertha, Charlie Chalk, Jackanory Junior and, my personal favourite, Kipper The Dog. That, my parental matriarchal patriarchal friends, is proper parenting. No, you can't expose them to loud CGI shows that have the Paw Patrol Effect.
And last, but not least:
The 456. Its representation? Quite accurate to what broadcasters want on our tellies today. It's a bird like alien monster who has three exact heads: its first head represents the broadcasters themselves, which are using American cartoons and loud garbage to save money and shy away from the creativity that people like Anne Wood honed in the days when there was no financial ruin. Its second is obvious: ALGORITHM. Major streaming services and video posting websites are using this to control what kids watch instead of proper human-lead bosses and rule makers, which is why we get the same AI-generated garbage and endless nursery rhyme and Elsagate videos which I think you parents won't want your children to watch. GROSS! And its third head? It's probably the most terrifying of all, and I don't want your kids reading this too, because it will keep them up at night forever and ever amen. The third head represents...
...The horror of endless sequels and remakes, which major studios and streaming services used to shy away from standing up to the heart and soul of America. It explains why Cartoon Network channels all around the world have no variety and keep showing Teen Titans Go and Gumball (more like Teen Titans No and Crummyball). It explains why Nick keeps cancelling majorly awaited non-sitcom series. It explains why Disney Channel keeps focusing on Big City Greens forever. And it also explains why preschool channels like Nick Jr and Disney Junior have all been dominated by less beautifully crafted shows and more by loud, fast paced CGI. And it's not fair!
And would you want algorithms, companies and fast paced entertainment to dominate your kids' lives? The answer is:
NO!
We shouldn't also trust Jack and Gwen, because they're the representation of the rise of what people call 'AI slop' back in 2025. AI is making our children experience more dopamine loops and adrenaline spikes than any marathon of Peppa Pig or Cocomelon put together.
So parents, if you're reading this, use Children Of Earth as a cautionary example about the dangers of exposing your kids to the horrors of modern day kids' TV. It's sick when you think about it, isn't it? *nods* Yeah, I know.
But if you expose children to classics instead of noisy modern content, including your favourite shows from childhood, you're dusting off your favourites from the Attic Of Goodness - somewhere the army and the 456 cannot reach.
Do it for your children.
Do it for your own sanity.
And of course, do it for my sake...
....Please?
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