"Well, I just had to make a joke my friend's mother always said when one of their pets snuggled down to sleep sprawled out, but with Zoonie like this, I advise you get the tissues. You are not going to like what you're going to see...."
-Dr Venus
Wednesday, 14 January 2026
Tech E's Jungle Fantasies
When he landed on that island, Tech E had no idea he would be accepted by nature. After all those visions he saw of wandering a blood red wasteland followed by simian creatures, he was accepted by his new friend - a baby monkey, who he decided to call Eugene.
Tech E and Eugene spent many gracious days playing together on the island. Their island. Their new home. They climbed the tallest trees and hung upside down from their branches, and Tech E wasn’t afraid of heights at all. They jumped about, squeaking and yelling like a Loonatic monkey should. They shared Eugene’s favourite fruit - bananas, ripe melons and berries.
Through all this, Tech discovered his true purpose in life. Not just a wild beast like his species once was, but a protector and comforter of who would become the source of man’s evolution - something he’d always dreamed of.
Tuesday, 13 January 2026
Tech E's Diary - January 13th
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January 13 - My real life took me out for breakfast at McDonalds. It was great! We had bacon and cheese McMuffins, and from Tesco we had a sausage roll each, and my real life had a chocolate milk while I had a strawberry milkshake. Yum! Come to think of it, I seem to be missing someone in my life right now…
Tech E's Emotional Day Out
Hi, Tech E here. I just had a bit of a cry because I really miss the two people I really cared about in my life. I'll tell you more about them later, but first, let's go way back to 9 in the morning.
My friend has invited me on a trip with her support worker to Inverness. Luckily he removed his baby daughter's booster seat so I can sit next to my friend - being fitted in a booster seat isn't all that fair when you're as grown up and inventive as the both of us - it's worse that having to go around with a dirty nappy all day. That's what we both talked about in the car on the way to Inverness.
When we stopped off at McDonald's, my friend's support worker ordered a cheese and bacon McMuffin for both of us, and even two cups of Coke Zero. We were both so hungry, and we encountered Brum on the way. We talked to him while waiting for our food about being able to see Noddy, Pingu, Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, Oakie Doke and The Animals Of Farthing Wood again, and once we had our food, it was Brunch time!
We ate our food like it was no tomorrow, and when I drank that much Coke, I could burp louder than Slam after eating at Chow Burger. I'm the best burper. Then we went to Tesco where my friend's support worker bought us a sausage roll each, a chocolate milk for my friend and a strawberry milkshake for me. Ah, pure bliss.
On the way we had to pick up Lexi Bunny, who had been standing out in the rain for three hours, and was relieved when we picked her up. At first, we drove through the strangest town and we didn't know where we were, but suddenly, we found out we were in Dingwall - home to the Puffin Pool. I wish I could go there someday.
On the way to the oil rigs, I began to cry hard. My friend comforted me, asking what the matter was - I told her everything, explaining about how I miss my foster mother Raja and my friend Melvin. Melvin and I were enemies in the show but are great friends in real life, so my friend sang me 'Peace On Earth' from Lady & The Tramp - it soothed me to sleep, and even Lexi got emotional.
When we got home, I sat on the sofa looking over pictures of me and Melvin from my photo album, almost getting so emotional my eyes were totally dry. And my friend felt it too - she began crying herself to sleep, thinking about how to bring us together.
And when she woke up, guess what she experienced - a sensory overload. People blubbering, shouting and snorting like pigs - she couldn't take it anymore!
Just...leave her to do a playlist for sensory overload, will you?
Monday, 12 January 2026
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A Message From Captain Scarlet
Hello there, Captain Scarlet speaking. Recently, Fanderson wrote down that in 1968, my fans were treated to only nine minutes of my show before everyone controlling the TV empire went on strike. In my mind exactly, that wasn't true. Let me tell you all about it:
Well, Captain Black played a very brutal trick on those broadcasting my show by knocking down every single television pole in the country, and then he killed the people at the command console, turning them into Mysterons. Of course, Captain Blue and I were sent out on a mission to save ATV from such a dreadful so named 'strike' that happened to those who offered to air every adventure I've ever been on, but Captain Black had a much sinister plan up his jacket sleeve.
While Captain Blue and I were fighting off the Mysteron agents the ATV executives have become, Captain Black dragged me away into a basement where Destiny and the other Angels were being held captive. Then Black burst in and dragged Symphony away. While Black's back was turned, I knew this was my chance - I freed the Angels, called upon Captain Blue and we escaped just as the studio exploded into smithereens.
The good part? I didn't die.
A few months later, Symphony came to us and said she was experiencing a painful pregnancy - upon examination by Doctor Fawn, she learned she was having a Mysteron Pregnancy, and that she must be operated on immediately. I won't go into full detail about the operation, because it's too disgusting and revolting for sensitive blog readers.
The result? When Symphony woke up and her tummy was stitched back together, she realised she had given birth to...a baby alligator.
It probably explains why she felt sharp teeth inside her stomach snapping away at the walls inside it all the time.
Kermit's Swamp Years: The Lost Interview With Kermit
"Personally, everyone in the swamp felt like family to me - before this whole classic Muppet Movie incident started. My dad was my family, my mum, my brothers, my sisters, my cousins, even Lord Pondweed, the wisest frog in the swamp, all a family to me, and they all have the pride to play and have fun whenever they want. But what's the point? We don't like Disney anymore, not since they lost ideas and went to AI. Playing and having fun is what we're born to do, it makes us puppet frogs happy.
Erm....yay?
Oh. Yeah. No work today, that's the personal swamp motto!
Now I know it looks disgusting, but the way I see it, it's life before you hit the red carpet. If just one human can have the safer delusion that they're learning with Bear or The Hoobs, or blasting off into space with the Brats Of The Lost Nebula on Kids' WB, there's a-"
"Hey, Kermie! Kermie, what's with the interviewer, Slimeface?"
"She just follows me around, making a behind the scenes look at my Swamp Years or something..."
"Oooooooh!"
"Can I have a part?"
"Me too!/Sign me a waver!/We want a part in your movie, Kermit!"
"Tell me about it. You can't trust my bros. They call me useless before I became an actor with slime on my back. Alright, here we go. No no no no no, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh SH*****************!!!"
The creators of this satirical documentary would like to stress that they in no way wish to cause offence to any real life dead lab-tested frogs.
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