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Dr Skulley hated taking the register at the beginning of every school morning. Every morning his pupils do something unexpected which annoys him or sometimes ticks him off, until he becomes so mad that he dismisses the class entirely. That pleases Luke, but sometimes Dr Skulley needs a bit of proper training. Here is what happened during a certain week in the life of the world’s boniest teacher.
“Hey! I’m the one who spoke the first beautifully constructed line of Scream Street, you know.”
Sorry, Dr. Skulley. Anyway, on Monday, all the pupils took their seats as always. Dr Skulley sat at his desk and took the register. “Luke?” he called. He was too busy biting his pencil, testing how strong his werewolf teeth are. “Resus?” Resus was listening to Brain Drain on his phone. “Cleo?” Cleo was doodling in her notebook. “Luella?” Luella was levitating an apple using her magic and paid no attention at all. “This is why she should never use spells at school,” murmured Dr Skulley to himself. He continued. “Six?” Six was asleep at her desk. “Dixon?” Dixon was picking his nose. Yuck! Dr Skulley grossed out for a bit. He continued. “Farp?” Farp was eating a whole plate of beans. Dr Skulley looked really nervous now. “Mia?” Mia was talking to Amy about the handsome looking perfume Charlie got for his birthday. “So, Charlie was pleased by this muscular perfume bottle I got him for his birthday, and you know what? It reminded him of a certain wolf boy.” “Oi!” cried Luke. “Captain?” Captain was making a paper aeroplane and whizzing it around the classroom. “Jasper?” Jasper was doing some maths calculations on his calculator. “Glad someone’s doing their maths work early. Charlie?” Charlie was talking with Pepper until he got bonked on the nose by Captain’s paper plane. “Pepper?” Pepper was silent. Dr Skulley just put down the register and continued with the day’s lessons.
On Tuesday, Dr Skulley decided to try again. Once the class got settled down, he got the register and checked to see if all the pupils are here. “Luke?” asked Dr Skulley. Instead of saying “Here!” Luke said, “Poo!” “Poo?!” cried Dr Skulley, “Luke, I’m warning you! Resus?” “Bum!” called Resus. “Cleo?” “Camel’s breath!” called Cleo. “Luella?” “Magic milk!” Luella called. “Six?” “Wee!” called Six. “Toilets!” called Dixon. “Farts!” called Farp, farting a little. The entire class grossed out. “Class, if you would just pay attention please!” called Dr Skulley. “Bottoms!” called Captain. “Bogies!” called Mia. “Burps!” called Pepper. “Fingernails!” called Charlie. “Calculator!” called Jasper. “Yuck!” called Amy. Dr Skulley angrily threw his register onto the floor. He had dismissed the class and let them stay off school the whole day, because they were too focused on bottom jokes to even concentrate on their lessons. When he went to bed that night, he sighed to himself. “All my students think about nowadays is poo and bottoms,” he said quietly, before he turned out the light and went to sleep.
The next day, Dr Skulley went into class. All the pupils were quiet. “Right, this time let’s try to get some sense into you,” said Dr Skulley as he picked up the register. “Luke?” But Luke was eating some crisps. Resus was eating M&M’s. Cleo was eating honey-covered locusts. Luella was drinking pure white milk. Six was eating a chocolate cake. Dixon was eating marshmallows. Farp was eating sprouts and beans on a plate. Mia was eating biscuits. Captain was eating sandwiches with lettuce, cheese and tomato. Jasper was eating Haribo sweets. Amy was drinking some orange juice. Charlie was eating a cheese and tomato pizza. Well, both of them begin with CH after all! Pepper was eating grapes. “WHAT?!” screamed Dr Skulley, “This isn’t Eat At School Day!” Everyone stopped eating and looked up at Dr Skulley. They all groaned, and some swallowed the food that remained in their mouths. “Now put your food back in your lunchboxes and let’s continue with the day’s work.” Everyone groaned again as they put their lunch back into their lunchboxes, and Dr Skulley began writing on the blackboard.
On Thursday, Dr Skulley was feeling a bit shaky and nervous as he tiptoed into the classroom. The whole class was giggling under their breaths. Once Dr Skulley picked up the register, the entire class burst into fits of laughter. Dr Skulley nearly dropped the register, but managed to grab hold of it in double quick time. Once the laughter died down, Dr Skulley took a collective breath and said, “Right, I want everyone to be on their best behaviour this time. Luke?” Luke made a rude noise. Resus followed with an even ruder noise. Cleo waggled her tongue about. Mia put her finger up her nose and made a burp-like noise. Soon, all the class were making the rudest noises a teacher could hear. Dr Skulley screamed and banged his head on the desk. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” he cried…
On Friday, Dr Skulley was too scared to go into the school, but he had to try. When he came in, he saw that Luke had armed himself with a hose, and all the class were giggling under their breaths. When Dr Skulley came in, Luke fired. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” he cried, soaking wet with water. The class high-fived each other and cheered wildly. “That’s what you get for limiting all my favourite spare time activities!” called Luke. Dr Skulley looked at his register. It was soaking wet, and all the ink had run. “THAT’S IT!” screamed Dr Skulley. His class stopped cheering and became frightened. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH! LEAVE SCHOOL! LEAVE! LEEEEAAAAVE!!” Everyone left, gathering their stuff and exiting out the door. Dr Skulley sat on his desk, sopping wet, and cried. It wasn’t fair being a teacher, especially if you’ve been a laboratory skeleton.
On the weekend, Dr Skulley went round to Calypso’s house for tea. She had heard about Dr Skulley’s troubles and didn’t have trouble with her own pupils. “It’s just too stressful for me,” sighed Dr Skulley as he bit down onto a small chocolate cake, “Every time I try to take the register my pupils are too distracted. I try very hard to be strict towards my pupils, but I feel like time has taken its toll on my hands. What shall I do?” Calypso, always reassuring, gave advice. “I’ve taught my pupils the skills they need to live their lives while they play. I’m hoping you can do the same too.” “What?” asked Dr Skulley. “Let your class have fun while you take the register. I hate to sound like spoilers have just come early, but I think you should let your students embrace the happiness they have when they feel themselves.” Dr Skulley smiled slightly, and hugged Calypso. It was the right thing to do.
So, two days later, Dr Skulley walked into class happily, and saw all the students mucking around in class. He took the register, and this time, everyone was having fun as they called “Here!” one by one. But when it was Luke’s turn, he aimed the hose at Dr Skulley and squirted him with a jet of cold water. Dr Skulley screamed again and took a look at the register. It was wet again. Dr Skulley and his students laughed. “Oh my god, what a laugh!” he cried, “What do you say, class?”
“POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” everyone cried happily in unison. “Yes,” said Dr Skulley, “That’s what I think too.”
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